Alley

Researcher-archivist-historian
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All opinions my own - if expressed
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My hyperfocus is everything.
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Meh, gender but they/she/fae works

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

Here's another word to add to my favorites (probably because this describes me in particular).

[Old English Wordhord @OEWordhord]

#OldEnglish #WOTD: wær-sagol, adj: cautious in speech, careful in what one says. (WAER-sah-goll)

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

Eya! I'm still alive and I've gotten much healthier but still not back to work, though now I'm trying to get back in the workforce now.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

So.
Hiya.

Still alive.
Still sick.
Still not working.
Still a medical mystery.

But still alive.
I guess.

IF - by chance - you worried,
here's your reassurance.

With Love,
Alley

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

And how little the archives/corporate heritage department matters, too. Unless they're just allowing folks to run rampant in my archives when I'm not there to steward them, which is not ideal but at least they'd be making use of the archives. I thought my value was higher though.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

How did I make so little impact at my workplace in the 3+ yrs before this that it seems like no one even realizes I'm not there? Or if they do, that no one even reaches out to me to check on me after being MIA for over 3 months? This illness making me face how little I matter.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I'm breaking & losing hope for the future. This illness might do me in after all, even though I'll still look alive when it's done so.

I miss the life I had, mundane & unimportant as it was. It was better than this.

Just complaining. I'm sure it could be worse.

[Rua M. Williams @FractalEcho]

Recently been reading research about transition planning meetings and I... Do yall not talk about workplace accommodations before sending young adults to "work trials/internships"? Because yall keep saying they "don't work out" but I see no info abt reasonable accommodations...

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

Been there too often.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

While still not working, still not yet myself, & now making 33 1/3% less, I do seem to be making marked improvement. The steroids I'm currently taking have helped IMMENSELY with the swelling everywhere.

Likely have POTS, looking into MS but don't want to have to pay for MRI.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

Day 1 of homeschooling & I already made the monster cry with the first history lesson.

Watched Slavery by Another Name by PBS.

The true story of history is often hard & rarely taught in US schools. But my child has an archivist & historian as a parent, so...

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I cry regularly these days.

It's kind of exhausting, too.

Y'know?
...like everything else right now.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I dunno.
Guess it just hurts.
So often feeling like I don't matter or don't fit in anywhere & leave no lasting traces, though I know that's ultimately my fate regardless.

Just rather it were only in death and not while still living.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I've always longed for close friendships but suck at maintaining & creating them.
And as I get older & life happens, I'm finding more & more that I'm somebody that's easily forgotten, slips under the radar.

I've been sick for months, out of work over 6 weeks now, & feel so alone

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I know I'm just one person among hundreds/thousands of ppl & one among billions on this planet.

Realistically, I don't matter & am invisible, but it'd still be nice to feel like my absence makes some sort of impact upon someone's life other than my immediate household's.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

In case anyone was curious, this applies to the archives I manage, too -- if I ever get to go back to work.

(Legitimately concerned my career may be over due to health issues. No, I'm not prepared to discuss, thank you anyway.)

Once found a dead bat in ours.

[Queen's College Library @QueensLibOx]

@boa_map Cursed artefacts are beyond the scope of our collection development policy

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

Contending with the realization that my hair likely won't be growing back along my former center part & where hair fell out in clumps in the front.

Still shaving all hair due to inflammation but some hair hasn't grown back at all yet.

That was a month & a half ago.

[Dr. Erika L. Briesacher @HistoryInShort]

I know I'm on History Twitter when every. Single. Person. On my feed essentially goes "dude, you NEVER fuck with the archivists." Because. . . You just don't.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I miss working and worry that my absence will cause so little disruption or inconvenience that I'll become obsolete and no longer have a position to come back to after disability.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

Oh, right! I never did update about this. The majority of the issue was simply miscommunication. And genuine concern over my health, I guess. That concern led my current medical leave & then my absolute exhaustion, pain, & weakness have led to its continued extension.

[Alley @AlleyRyanBP]

I think I might be discovering that I'm not the right person for the job, after all, and that I don't fit into the business as well as I seemed to from 2019 to early 2021.

A bit heartbroken that dream job is turning into an anxiety nightmare that prevents me from sleeping.