Andy Herald

👉 @HowToBeADad. Humorist. Designer. Beard owner. Originator of #bananaforscale

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Non-parent: Ugh I’m NEVER doing anything like THAT when I have kids!

Parents [under breath]: Oh fucking yes the fuck you are.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Has anyone tried reminding all these old billionaires that they’re going to die like the rest of us? ‘Cause it really feels like they forgot that part.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Me: I’m pretty easy going, very chill

Anyone: *pronounces the L in salmon*

Me: *eye twitching commences*

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

I have now called my wife’s phone to help her find it more times than the total number of times I’ve called anyone ever in my entire life.

[HowToBeADad @HowToBeADad]

1000 Dad Jokes launch today! I’m passing the torch to my son

https://t.co/dvNQaw1U9t

[Insight Editions @insighteditions]

"“Why are fish easy to weigh?”

“Because they have their own scales.”
@HowToBeADad presents Dad jokes: Hall of Shame. Available now! Order here: https://t.co/PshVGMH88I

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Getting turned into a vampire would be the worst thing for me.

I can’t sleep on my back and wouldn’t be able to curl up and turn over in a coffin. Eternal insomnia.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

This zoom meeting could have easily been a phone meeting that should have been an email.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

We had pizza tonight and as I brought the steaming triangle of deliciousness to my face my son put his hand on my arm and said, “Dad. You’re gonna burn your mouth. Like last time.” And lemme tell ya, I felt both seen and loved.

[Lord James Alvarez @ObscureGent]

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

I’m starting to get the idea that “pre-coffee me” is now just... all of the time me.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

I know I’m not a BAD dad, but when I meet someone and they say “your son has told me all about you” I wait to hear a little more before unclenching.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Me, a dad: *scrunches up nose* Uhh... uhh...

Entire family: *claps hands over their ears against the conclusive boom of my impending sneeze*

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Do you ever go grocery shopping on the weekend and think, actual starving is probably not that bad as far as alternatives go

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

When I tell my kid “you missed a spot,” by spot I usual mean everything. You missed pretty much absolutely everything.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

I miss the age when the things I worried about were windowless vans, quicksand and the Bermuda Triangle, instead of worrying about every single thing in the world all of the time.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Thank you @GeneralMills 😍❤️

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

After a long conversation with my wife I now admit that “buckle the fuck up, buttercup” was probably not the best response to our friends announcing their first pregnancy.

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Wife: do that thing I like.

Me: *winks seductively*

*walks over to the closet and grabs the candy we hide from the kids*

[Care.com @CareDotCom]

Raise your hand if your #ElfOnTheShelf has overstayed his welcome:🙋 @DraggingFeeties @Mangonemamma @AndyHerald https://t.co/xR2m4EdvVG #parenthood #holidayseason

[Andy Herald @AndyHerald]

Candy that you steal from your kid’s Halloween stash just hits different.