Ardagh Tips

Useless -- often dangerous -- comments and advice originally posted by @PhilipArdagh, best ignored, but free. DON'T FOLLOW 'ME', follow @PhilipArdagh.

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Start the day as you mean to go on. Drunk #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

When all about you lose their heads, take their hats. They won't be needing them any more #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Remember: some small children are frightened by fireworks. Another great way to frighten them is to tell gory ghost stories #ardaghtips

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

There's never a right time to hit your spouse across the back of the head with a frying pan, so just do it #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

He who shouts loudest may well be shouting because he's just been shot in the foot #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Getting your point across and shooting bullets up into the ceiling are two distinctly different things #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Shallow graves are quicker to dig but the corpse may be discovered by a scout group sooner. Decide your priorities #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

DON'T FOLLOW @ArdaghTips, follow @PhilipArdagh. He's (almost) a real person. #ArdaghTips

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

It's not the winning that matters, it's the draining of the brake fluid from the b*stard winner's car #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Check up on your sick or elderly relatives regularly. The sooner you know they've died, the sooner you can take their stuff #ardaghtips

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

The secret to success is a secret... so move on. There's nothing to see here #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

It's beautiful to watch your spouse sleeping, but not through the telescopic sites of a high-powered rifle #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

If you love someone, only tell them AFTER you've tied them up, in case they don't feel the same way about you #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Killing with kindness takes time. With a great big knife is much, much quicker #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

To make this Sunday a Sunday to remember, annex Poland #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Don't ask for whom the bell tolls, simply insist they turn it down and show a little more consideration #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Strap roasted coffee beans under your armpits for the smell of great tasting coffee ALL day #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Save time and money on journeys by only going to places nearby #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

Most accidents happen in the home, so sleep on the roof #ardaghtips @philipardagh

[Ardagh Tips @ArdaghTips]

An elephant can feed a family of four for a month, but you'll have to drive it to and from the shops for supplies #ardaghtips @philipardagh