Ashes Phoenix

Comedian/Artist 🇧🇪🇺🇸🇳🇿 IG: @ phoenix.ashes

[Historic Vids @historyinmemes]

Eddie Murphy doing his Mike Tyson impression in front of Mike

[ppigg @s4m31p4n]

Remember when Facebook had a “it’s complicated” option so you could tell your friends family and acquaintances your relationship was fucked up

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

@TonyScottAstley #showerthoughts

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I swear
the hardest part of life is
remembering to breathe.
#anxiety #exercise

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

@KayHaunani I'm a Leo Venus. I get hella angry when I see them downgrade.

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

What's up with guys lying about their age on Bumble? 27? Really? You look 35 to me.

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

@Rhyspect Pretending everything is heavy gets me everytime. Such a good bit.

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

Protip: Don't offer someone a bite unless you mean it.

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Protip: Avoid picking a fight in a language you do not speak fluently, especially when it is the other person's native tongue. #lifehacks #Fights #linguistics

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

@jamesroque Link?

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Why is Toby Keith's "I love this bar" playing at quarter to two in Sal's. Will I ever be able to get away?

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

If you've ever told a woman to "calm down", she's thought about where to hide your body. #JustSayin

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If you send a picture of your abs (or lack thereof), is it considered a nude? #JustAsking #Questiontime #quiz #QuestionOfTheDay #Questions

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

This Friday at 8pm I'll be on at Work in Progress at the Globe in Palmerston North. Tickets are 10 dollars!

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

Come laugh with me or at me. Your choice. ;) Monday May 6 , Fringe Bar 8pm.Tuesday May 7, San Fran, 7pm. Thursday May 9th, The Royal, 8pm.

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

I know a lot of women named #mum. Surely they have another name too? #mom #mother #mommy #momma

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

@michelegoo @nathanielflick Where did you go to get that delicious dirty martini?

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

For when they #text "Send nudes"
#nude #drawing #figuredrawing #draw #DatingAdvice #DatingInRealLife #sassy

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

Starting out my day the right way with some @BaboonYodel.

[Ashes Phoenix @Ashes__Phoenix]

@BenMacgoogy Finally, some change!.