Bahram

Reluctant twitterer. Part-time Brit abroad. Full-time tomfoolerer-in-chief.

[Lance Corporate @lance_corporate]

Being a dad is just telling yourself “it’s been an expensive month, we’ll get back on track next month” over and over again until you die

[Emeka. @emekanu]

He still doesn't look interested

[B.Roll.Benny @brollbenny]

Prob the funniest TikTok I’ve ever seen.

[CBS Evening News with Tony Dokoupil @CBSEveningNews]

Nash, the golden retriever, had his big chance to be hailed the best guard dog when an intruder broke into his family’s home – but instead, the 4-year-old thought the man was a friend and brought him some toys to play with.

[Return of the Shelf @ROTS1882]

The fact he’s sharpening the shaft says it all really.

[Andrew Neil @afneil]

The comments on this are quite the best on X for a long time. Kinda restores your faith in British humour/realism.

[Leonard Jägerskiöld @LeonardJN]

Adel Taarabt lägger skorna på hyllan. Största artisten PL sett sedan Dennis Bergkamp.

#1 på Streets won't forget.

Här, en tråd med hans största stunder.

[Ahmed Hany @Doolittleraidd]

why pilates is pronounced that way and pirates not

[JD Flynn @jdflynn]

You'd think Slim, of all people, would know the importance of responding to the people who write him letters.

[Swearing Sports News @SwearingSport]

Not sure what’s more crazy. The wind curling that ball, the terrific save or the fact the Cookie Monster is commentating over it �

[signüll @signulll]

adulthood is saying “after this week, things should calm down” every week until you die.

[Crystal Hope @CrystalHope1979]

Just a normal day on the bus with the king of the jungle. 🦁

This is the only way to travel now. 🤣

[Matt @ItsBlarg]

hole 1

vs

hole 3

[⚒MARK⚒🎗️ @m4rk1964]

Chris Eubank has written a book about the Titanic 😱

[Bahram @B_Force]

Never misses a beat…

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

A kid on my street set up a stand. Not lemonade. A cardboard sign: FREE ADVICE.

He was maybe seven. He had a folding chair and a jar of pencils, in case of paperwork.

I stopped. A samurai does not pass a free consultation.

"I will take one advice," I said.

"Shoot."

"How does a man know when he is home?"

He did not hesitate. "When the dog's happy to see you."

I stood very still. Eight hundred years of my family asking that question, and a seven-year-old answered it in four words while picking his nose.

"That'll be twenty-five cents," he said.

"The sign says free."

"You got the free one. That was the free one. The dog one is premium."

I paid the twenty-five cents. I would have paid a horse.

That night I called my mother. No reason. In my family we do not call with no reason, so she answered already braced for death.

We talked for an hour about nothing. Her neighbor's tomatoes. A drama she watches. The rain.

She was happy. I could hear it. She kept finding new nothings to say so I would not hang up.

The kid was right.

Home is where someone's happy you called.

I owe that kid twenty-five more cents. I have been going back every Saturday.

His rates are insane. I pay them.

[Out of Context Human Race @NoContextHumans]

I’d move to another zoo �

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

I needed my lawn mowed. I asked an American for the name of a company.

He said, "Get a kid."

A kid. Not a service. A child.

I asked which kid.

"Any of 'em."

I asked where one obtains a kid. There is no directory. There is no listing.

He said, "Ask around."

I asked around. Two days later a fourteen year old named Cody was standing on my porch.

He did not bring a mower. Nobody told me this part. The kid uses your mower and your gas. He brings arms.

I asked his rate.

He said, "Whatever."

Whatever. A negotiation had opened and the other party declined to attend.

A blade drawn against no opponent must be returned to the sheath in silence.

I put my wallet away.

So I conducted research. I asked four adults what the correct amount was.

Four numbers. Twenty. Forty. Twenty five. One man said he gave a kid fifty once and could not remember why.

There is no rate. There has never been a rate. An entire national labor market runs with no published price and every participant is somehow satisfied.

I looked up the state minimum wage. I timed the work. I arrived at a defensible figure and I paid it.

My neighbor watched this from his driveway.

Later he came over and told me, kindly, that I had underpaid.

I said the amount exceeded the legal minimum.

He said, "Yeah, but he's a kid."

THE PRICE IS NOT THE PRICE. THE PRICE IS THE PRICE PLUS SOMETHING NO MAN ON THIS STREET WILL SAY OUT LOUD.

So I corrected. I overcorrected. Sixty dollars for forty minutes.

The same neighbor came back over.

"Alright. Don't ruin him."

There is a floor and there is a ceiling. Neither is written anywhere. Both are enforced by men standing in driveways with their arms folded.

The samurai who cannot read the room dies in the room.

I have been dying in this room since June.

Cody was thirsty. I did not offer him water, because he had not asked, and a warrior does not name another warrior's weakness.

My wife told me he is fourteen and it is ninety one degrees. I now leave a bottle on the step where he can take it without being seen taking it.

I asked my neighbor why the whole street does this. Why grown men pay a boy more than the work is worth and then pretend not to have noticed.

He said, "You're not buying a lawn."

Then he went inside, because apparently that was a complete explanation.

Cody has cut my grass eleven times. He is saving for a truck. I know the exact figure because he told me, unprompted, in August, sweating, holding my own mower.

Last week a family moved in three houses down. The man came over and asked if I knew anybody who cuts grass.

I said, "I got a kid."

I heard what that sounded like. I did not correct it.

He is nine hundred dollars from the truck.

A mountain is not asked to be smaller. A mountain is walked around, at night, quietly, by a man with a truck payment he intends to make on someone else's behalf.

I have started mentioning him to people.

[soliraw 🇧🇷 @belindomita]

*Mi alarma sonando durante 10
minutos*
Yo en mis sueños: