alex brierley

You say grow up I say fart jokes

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

I came here to eat potatoes and molasses and burgle some turts, and im all out of potatoes and molasses 😎

[jane redden @jredden12]

My favorite golden eye movie is doctorpussy

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

@timmybrierley @BigWhit10 Actually I’ve changed my answer, The Ramekin of Creme Brûlée is absolutely an Edgar Allen Poe story about a banshee who lurks the halls of a crumbling castle

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

@BigWhit10 @timmybrierley The Ramekin of Creme Brûlée sounds like a hideous beast guarding treasure in a medieval dungeon

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

@timmybrierley Truly the deepest of cuts

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

No one out papas the john.

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

“everybody was kung fu fighting” really, everybody? even the grinch? get real

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

my favorite word is "bug" and my least favorite word is "ziti"

[jane redden @jredden12]

Just woke up and I can’t stop thinking about meatballs. Plz share tips on getting back to sleep thx.

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

@timmybrierley Keenan could somehow make it funny

[oatmeal influencer @acechhh]

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

I like to think the ad exec who thought up “Ashton Kutcher sings Shaggy” has been pitching that same ad since 2002 and they just finally gave in

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

Didnt a few senators make a bunch of money in stocks off their info about covid while pretending it doesnt exist and nothing happened? And now were supposed to think its immoral that internet people banded their life savings together to screw a hedge fund?

[Seth Rogen @Sethrogen]

If you’re a white supremacist fascist who doesn’t find it offensive when someone calls your wife ugly, Ted Cruz is the exact motherfucker for you.

[bean smoothie™ @beansm00thie]

Steve Harvey: Name something you can suck on
Contestant: pee pee weiner lol
Steve Harvey:

[𝚔𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚕𝚘𝚋𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛 @KLobstar]

gonna air fry a hotdog for 120 minutes and see what happens

[alex brierley @BabyBrierley]

Book introductions that use roman numerals are so cheap, like you put these in here and im reading them, start tallying ‘em up baby

[Sir Michael @Michael1979]

If words appear on my phone, I consider them messages to me. That's just how it works as far as I'm concerned

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

they made the stimulus fun !!!

[fredesque @FredTaming]

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.