Digital Jørdøn™

I never know where to stand at parties so I don't feel like I'm in the way.

[Digital Jørdøn™ @BadJordon]

ME [day 1 of new diet]: I can do this

ME [day 4 of new diet]:

[Digital Jørdøn™ @BadJordon]

@AnOrangeSNES https://t.co/UiT8v4QEwz

[Digital Jørdøn™ @BadJordon]

You look like your mom knows which sex moves make the ugliest kids.

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

One way to tell you have too many cats, is if you have a cat.

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

[Receiving Medal of Honor]

"Thank you Mr. President."

My Mom from the audience: "He wet the bed til he was 20!"

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

[business meeting at restaurant]
"There's more than one way to skin a cat"
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad's arm

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

I asked my dad if he'd like to be buried beside my mom

He said to take off the ski-mask, put the gun down and get the hell out of his house

[andrew @AndrewChamings]

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

[☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️ @AnOrangeSNES]

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Sigmund Freud asks a patient during a therapy session. He bites his pencil, "Because that's hot."

[Digital Jørdøn™ @BadJordon]

@AnOrangeSNES
Thank you 👌🏼
https://t.co/HPr9mEJrSX

[Digital Jørdøn™ @BadJordon]

ME: I finished my Christmas list

MOM: [reads list] um these are just potential excuses to avoid social gatherings

ME: all I want is quiet

[Apathetic Activist @coketruck76]

*pool hall
Date: You any good?
Me: I never hit the right angels.
D: Don't you mean angles?
M*swinging cue stick wildly at angel tree topper

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

I'm at my most Charlie's Angel, when I'm on a conference call with my boss and shooting at him with finger guns.

[🏴‍☠️ How YOU Doin 🏴‍☠️ @jollyrobber]

Your feelings are fading fast, like Marty's picture while Earth Angel plays

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

God: Here's my prototype for a woman.

Angel: perfect

God: She's missing something. I know! Let's encourage her to paint her face everyday.

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

Angel: People are questioning your existence. What can we do?

Jesus: How about a car sticker?

A: Okay. Um, thoughts?

J: How about a fish?

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

Any time a baby laughs an angel gets its Wings Greatest Hits CD.

[stACED @girl_a_whirl]

"Put your hands in the air!"
*Sex cop handcuffs & suctions perp to wall*
*S&M cop smacks perp w/ whip*
Missionary cop: Assume the position!

[stACED @girl_a_whirl]

Missed connection:

While the preacher was asking for objections, I was over in the refectory stealing the wedding cake. You held the door.

[stACED @girl_a_whirl]

In solidarity with Shia LaBeouff, I too had sex with a Transformer. The machines were exploring. 2006 was weird

- Megan Fox on her deathbed

[🏴‍☠️ How YOU Doin 🏴‍☠️ @jollyrobber]

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with the hotel maid who just handled your jizz rag

[Digital Jørdøn™ @BadJordon]

@FromRightField I hope you get what you wish for

[Just J @junejuly12]

🏆 Under 2k Contest 🏆

It's back!

If you have less than 2k followers, link up to 3 tweets here until 7pm CT today. New or old.

40+🏆s!