Ben Bergman

Queens till I die or move to a better place.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

@fncomedy

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

I’m glad she’s free. She’s is more famous for being arrested than she ever could be playing women’s basketball. #BrittneyGriner

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Stepped on someone’s crack pipe.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Free advice: don’t argue with someone with no front teeth. There’s no argument he’s already lost it.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

I had an emergency dental cleaning this morning

Keeps happening every six months

I really need to get this under control

#addiction

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

I drank tequila and then woke up to emails that I bought new shoes. It’s time to quit watching sex in the city.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

I was on student council for 1 year and I hate to say the bickering and corruption of planning school dances were unfortunately just the same.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

My neighbor asked to borrow an extension cord. Reasonable request. If I hadn't seen her husband talking to the police twice when she had disappeared. How can I expect my cord to come back when you might not come back?
#crackhead

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

@TheJoycey Yeah just do the double side of cheese. And swallow it no liquid like a man.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

@Reuters I didn't realize how much they monitored workers
https://t.co/OssgZizsvX

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Follow your joy. Angle your bets.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

0 is the closest to the number 1 which makes me feel like we are winning. #usa chant begins now

[Sen. Bernie Sanders @SenSanders]

Minimum weeks of paid medical leave for workers:

🇲🇽 52
🇮🇪 52
🇹🇷 52
🇩🇪 52
🇪🇸 52
🇯🇵 52
🇬🇧 52
🇦🇺 52
🇵🇹 52
🇱🇺 52
🇨🇿 52
🇧🇪 52
🇳🇴 52
🇫🇷 52
🇸🇮 52
🇺🇸 0

We must join the rest of the industrialized world and guarantee paid sick leave to every single worker in America.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm going to the strip club to spend time with all my loved ones. #ValentinesDay

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Day jobs are for the birds
Who need to eat seeds
So they can continue to live

[Dulcé Sloan @dulcesloan]

We are ready for #Emmys2019 ✨ thank you for this beautiful dress @anit_cuts 💕

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

My buddy gambles on football, basketball, does cocaine and may or may not pay women for sex. I bought a mug and new shower curtain at TJ maxx. He's like, do you REALLY NEED that?

This $4 mug got me a life coach.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Hold that pose.

[Brian Bates @brianbatescomic]

NASA says its Mars rover no longer wants to identified as curious.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

#KateSpade scarfs are $100. If you don't think the quality is worth it take a swing.

[Ben Bergman @BenBergman]

Breaking them off right quick. https://t.co/pr7ux1C7wT

[Brian Bates @brianbatescomic]

I like to start shows with confidence.