Ben Worrall ⚫️⚪️⚫️⚪️⚫️

[Boring Milner @BoringMilner]

I have retired from football. I have decided to travel the world to see if Ribena tastes the same everywhere. I asked Danny Welbeck if he wanted to retire and join me. He said No.

[Ric Turner @bluemoon_mcfc]

Being on for a quadruple but then only winning the league, is like being told you’re going to shag The Corrs, but then finding out it’s just Jim.

[Anon Opin. @anon_opin]

It's been decades since Rainbow finished on ITV. We've had massive scientific advancements in so many different areas of life, and yet there is still no explanation for why Bungle used to walk around bollock-naked all day long but then go to bed in pyjamas.

[Susie Dent @susie_dent]

Word of the Day is ‘swullocking’: swelteringly, stiflingly hot.

From 19th-century East Anglian dialect.

[Paul Rees. ex Rucksack. @HannahIamthest1]

A bus full of blind people went on a day trip to Skegness. Halfway there the driver pulls up at a pub for a piss and a quick drink. To keep the blind people occupied he puts a bell in a football and leaves them outside to have a kick about. Just as he's settling down to drink his pint of coke a fella comes running in and says " Who's looking after that blind group outside "?
The drivers says he is and what seems to be the problem. The bloke replies, " You best come outside now, they're kicking the crap out of the Morris dancers " 😄😄

[RC deWinter @RCdeWinter]

A woman lived in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor.
One night while she was taking a shower the doorbell rang.

She wrapped in a towel and and looks through the door's peephole.
It's was neighbor the fireman. She opened the door.

“Hey, just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaimed.

"Congratulations!" she said, closed the door and got back in the shower.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang again. Annoyed, she wrapped in the a towel and looked through the peephole.
It was her neighbor who was a policeman. She opened the door.
"Just wanted to let you know I arrested my first guy!" he said.

Congratulations!" she said, closed the door and got back in the shower.

Not 5 minutes later the doorbell rang again. She grabbed the towel but when she looked through the peephole and saw it was her blind neighbor she didn’t bother to wrap herself up before opening the door.

"Hey, just wanted to let you know I got my eyesight back!" he said.

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

As a teen In the 90s I loved Rage against the machine. I bought a Tshirt with the lyrics "fuck you I won't do what you tell me" on it and my mom made me take it back for a refund. So I did exactly what she told me.

[RedAlways @PATRIOT2117]

A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.

When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.

“Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.

The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.

He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.

The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.

The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”

The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.

The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”

The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.

Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.

He falls in with a big splash.

A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting,

“DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box labeled Viagra Extra Strength. "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day, the guy limps into the same pharmacy, pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he sees the man's member is black and blue, mangled, with chunks of skin hanging off.

In a pained voice, the man moans, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms—the girls didn't show up."

[The Extreme Football Enthusiast @ExtremeFootbal4]

Iconic 1998 TFI Friday clip, aired weeks before the World Cup. Chris Evans jokingly locks Paul Gascoigne in a "safe-keeping" box to keep him trouble-free until the tournament. Imagine Glenn Hoddle's reaction!

[Ben Worrall ⚫️⚪️⚫️⚪️⚫️ @BenSWorrall]

@BetMGMUK #NUFC

[Francis @FrancisChipp]

MATFEN HALL EXCLUSIVE🚨: Newcastle United manager Eddie Howe had the rare roast beef sandwich while Jason Tindall opted for the fillet steak ciabatta.

It's understood the managerial duo also shared a charcuterie board less than two hours later.

More to follow.

[Ben Worrall ⚫️⚪️⚫️⚪️⚫️ @BenSWorrall]

@BetMGMUK #NUFC

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. 😏

[kev⚒ @kevhonor]

I CANT FUCKING BREEEEEATH
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

POOR EGG FRIED 🍚 WON MORE WITH THE MIGHTY HAMMERS ⚒️

[NASA @NASA]

"Welcome to my old neighborhood." Our @NASAArtemis II astronauts woke up on the sixth day of their mission to a special message recorded in 2025 by astronaut Jim Lovell, the pilot of Apollo 8.

[Dave † 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇺🇸🇮🇪🎸🎶 @daveguitarjones]

Just got an email from the school for a 'Drug and alcohol evening for parents.

Used to just be a quiz night and a raffle.

[Time Capsule Tales @timecaptales]

Rick Astley & the Foo Fighters perform "Never Gonna Give You Up" in the style of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", after Dave Grohl spotted Rick on the side of the stage and just pulled him up to do the song

[Paul Rees. ex Rucksack. @HannahIamthest1]

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food. Ensuring she is educated in the correct cuts of steak to purchase.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
🤣🤣

[Dave † 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇺🇸🇮🇪🎸🎶 @daveguitarjones]

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they will gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.