Bernie Says So

I'm that comedian you saw that one time. You know, the funny one.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

@POTUS I believe in you, Mr. President. You can still make change. There's still time. Please don't forget your promise to #KendrickEagle.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

@POTUS You will be missed and forever loved, Mr. President. This world is a better place because of your 8 years. Thank you.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Sen. Mcconnell, prove you care about heroes of 9/11, or don't you dare evoke their heroism as a talking point ever again. #WorstResponders

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Speaker Ryan, prove you care about our heroes of 9/11.
#WorstResponders

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

I'm pretty white, but not "outraged by red Starbucks cups" white.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

It's like the good man said:
"I don't have birthdays, I level up."
#level30 #birthdayboy

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Once got off the plane rand made a beeline for the restroom. Took until I was washing my hands to realize I was in the ladies. #Airport Fail

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

This thing belongs in a museum. Remove this damned stain on our country. #CharlestonShooting #BlackLivesMatter https://t.co/VcslSvmufY

[Alison Brie @alisonbrie]

Symbols of hate have no place in our gov. Add your name: Remove the Confederate flag! http://t.co/g6UbgiPBx8 #CharlestonShooting @moveon

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Which do you suppose will happen first: the #redskins change their team name and logo, or the #ConfederateFlag gets removed from the public?

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. Now, that may not seem like a lot, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

I'm just going to go ahead and put an "Out of Order" sign on my forehead and call it a day.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Went for a run, but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Trying to accomplish a simple task before the microwave hits zero is like racing a bomb like your life depends on it.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

I think my bed is magical. Every time I lay in it to sleep, I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do!

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Friendship is so weird. You just pick someone you've just met, and you're like, "Yep, I like this one" and just keep doing stuff with them.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Wome belong in the kitchen.
Men belong in the kitchen.
Everyone belongs in the kitchen.
Kitchen has the food, people.
#makemeasammich

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

Would I like a table? No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please. #OliveGarden

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

I'm actually fluent in three languages:
English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

I hate when I have to cancel last minute.
Sometimes it so darn hard to come up with an excuse I haven't used before.

[Bernie Says So @Bernie_Says_So]

If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.