bigfoot

horrible tweets

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

fellas just know this, if she starts exhaling knives at you, she's the one

[chuuch @ch000ch]

it's sunday night which means it's time, once again, to consider not participating in being alive tomorrow

[pat tobin @tastefactory]

My nephew painted this picture of his mom and a “tree” and, I’ll tell you what, it is really something

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Women are only interested in one thing. Bees. Unless you're covered head to toe in bees don't bother hitting the club.

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

national anthem:
-old
-boring as shit
-probably not even on spotify

malcolm in the middle intro song
-fucking slaps
-nostalgic
-you’re not the boss of me now and you’re not so big

[Timothy Whalen 🌮 @littlebluedog]

USPS tracking:

Step 1: we don't think it exists
Step 2: delivered

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Subway guy - "toasted with cheese?"
Me - "no thanks. I'm a fucking psychopath"

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

guys on twitter will find a way to make literally anything sexual. a girl could literally tweet “my grandma just exploded” n some dude would be like “ok but what would we do if i was there... 😳🙈😘”

[brent @murrman5]

people clapping at a concert assuming a song is over because it’s going from fast to slow: wooo!
me having heard the song before: fools

[chuuch @ch000ch]

in just a few short decades there will be grandpas named Chad

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

[on my deathbed]
me: a....ah.....
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah...... alexa...... play despacito

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

[bigfoot @BigfootDefFake]

I feel this

[wint @dril]

another blissfful day ignoring the fact that 75% of my peers on this site have been rejected from offline society for pretty good reasons

[chuuch @ch000ch]

sorry i said big mood while you were having a severe allergic reaction to peanuts

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

coachella checklist for tonight:
-pay 18 for one beer, pretend im drunk
-have a girl sit on my shoulders until my legs give out because im weak
-take one hit off a joint and then freak out and call my mom to pick me up
-get kicked out for being ugly
-flower crown

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

sorry everyone. i tried. i really did