Elvis Cooper

I'm a sucka DJ who thinks he's fly.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

We've just unplugged you from the Matrix! Welcome to the real world. All the cool Sci-Fi names are taken and the only names left are Screech or Booger.

[GoaT FacE @EndhooS]

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

I think someone has a voodoo doll of me, but like a Kirkland brand voodoo doll, so when they stick a pin in me, I get a slight nose ache or an incredibly itchy pinky.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

Overheard today:
"Look at this."
"Ew. I certainly hope she rinsed it off before she ate it."

Just... what?

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

@Omundson @PsychPeacock Right? And eating French fries out of the bag again. And licking doorknobs. The vaccinated life is a good life.

[Vincent @SPNNlogic]

If you're looking for a sign. That's your sign.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

You may take our picture, but we never say "cheese."

[Jon Stewart @jonstewart]

So...if I do really well on here I get to be President, yes?

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

@uncledrunky Well, yeah, it is NOW.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

If you use "screenshot" as a verb, what's the past tense? Screenshotted or screenshat?

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

I seriously just had a dream where @GordonRamsay told me how to eat a frozen White Castle burger by saying "Pick off the mold and don't be such a pussy."

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

@RepMattGaetz He says on Twitter.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

My bucket list from 1980:

Marry a Mandrell Sister
Appear on Hee Haw
Become a Duke Brother or a ninja
Touch a boob

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

Let's walk down the hallway together with our hand in each other's back pocket like high school sophomores.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

But my thirteen year old was told by a friend that "Dads get mad." She was relieved that she was okay. And I was happy that my little girl is happy. And now I have/get to hear how cool her girlfriend Ashley is over and over.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

So when my 13 year old approached me, scared to death, to say she thinks she likes girls, I reacted better. I think it is very cool that she already knows her truth and that she wants to live it. I told her that I understood liking girls, and I liked girls, too.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

Earlier this year, my fifteen year old came out bi, and she brought it up during a chewing out session for getting caught smoking weed.
"I don't give a shit if you're bi! Be bi! Be happy! Just stop getting CAUGHT doing stupid shit!"
It ruined it for her. She wanted drama.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

@Manda_like_wine Not so cringy. So doofy that I thought he could have been one of mine. So rad that he knows at age 13 exactly who he is and is true to himself.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

I convinced my girls to name their Elf on the Shelf "Jingleberry," and my ex-wife is inexplicably mad.

[Elvis Cooper @BobCthulhu]

@SawneyHatton I saw this tweet and went and bought it because fuck those guys. But mostly because it sounded intriguing.