Bread John

More Cock than a Barrymore pool party. Stand-Up Comedian. Punk

[Bread John @Breadery]

The last time I had sex Donald Trump's toupee was still roaming the tundra.

[Ruby Derrière @rubyderriere]

I know you guys like being neglected buuut Instagram is the only platform I regularly use so FOLLOW ME 😈😈😈 https://t.co/3Fo8qL3A1V
Pic Tymwhitney

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence...

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

A strip club for cats, but the customers just come to lay on the dancer's discarded clothing.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

shortest 1st date I've ever been on was when this girl asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about

[Bread John @Breadery]

My knees are really hurty and I haven't had sex in 7 years: A journey into professional parkour.

[You know @Tmoney68]

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who cries every time a Humane Society commercial comes on TV.

[john's fine thx @juanadog]

A crossfit guy just carried me in & out of Burger King 43 times.

[Bread John @Breadery]

I just enjoy the looks on people's faces when they peer into the buggy to see my baby and realise it's a gammon ham with a face drawn on it.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me...where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

[nina treemonkey @ninatreemonkey]

I don't even like sleep, it's just the only way I can eat spiders

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

HER: I want to be a bird in my next life.

ME: *nodding* I too want to live in a home made of garbage.

[Bread John @Breadery]

Grandad wanted an open casket funeral but no one expected him to die of a viagra overdose & they couldn't even close the lid for cremation.

[john's fine thx @juanadog]

*hurtling through space*

Me: Are we currently hurtling or hurdling through space?

Him: I think it's the first one.

Me: Me too, cool.