Bristol Sweets

I am oh so tasty and will melt in your mouth AND in your hands.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

I may be beautiful, but at least I'm smart.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Thanks @fred_dog for the trophy. I definitely a smart ass right. Luv ya sweetie.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

I hate when hotel management calls the room to tell me to keep it down. Sometimes I just can't help myself when you are so good.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Long Island Iced Tea will fuck you up... That's one reason I love it.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Be warned... I scream when I cum.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

If my panties get any wetter, I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Thanks @cowyfwame for the pick. I love when you vibrate my phone. It feels sooo good! Luv ya.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

If you have Olympic Rings tattoos, I'll melt in your fucking arms.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Drunk tweets are the best tweets.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Male orgasms must feel really good...
They sure pay me a lot to deliver them.

[GrossHopper @AGStr8upNinja]

Just gained 400 followers in 2 days and all it cost me was my dignity.

[GrossHopper @AGStr8upNinja]

Her: would you like a blowjob?

Me: what the fuck did you do to my car.

[GrossHopper @AGStr8upNinja]

My safe word is "insufficient funds".

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Even if she is a rotten, mean, bitchy, lying ass cunt on the inside, nice tits on the outside will still make you want to fuck her.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

Which is the biggest load... An assload, shitload or fuckload?

[Traylor Parker @TraylorParker]

“I bet Billy Ray Cyrus has an achy breaky heart because his daughter is a pill popping whore!” - A drunk chick lying in my driveway.

[Traylor Parker @TraylorParker]

“Me? Chillin’ like a player in tighty whities, drinking box wine chardonnay from a plastic cup in a La Quinta hot tub. You?”- Me to a nudist

[Traylor Parker @TraylorParker]

New reality show:

Drunk, lonely and afraid: Try to resist a 40 yr old lady in a one piece swim suit with her pubes showing for 21 minutes.

[Bristol Sweets @BristolSweets]

How much more than a regular load is a fuckload?

[IG @samalmightysam]

Facebook is not friendship, Instagram is not photography and Twitter is not fame.