Scrimp 🦐

R.I.P. Bailey & Josh. Fuck Trump. 🖕

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

Seven FUCKIN years man

[Reilly Garnish @reillynicole]

Remember when Casey Anthony googled how to murder her baby and then murdered her baby and now she’s free and has a documentary? But if I get an abortion at 7 WEEKS PREGNANT I get the death penalty....y’all are stupid. I’m not sorry

[aerialoasis @aerial_oasis]

As an ex fetus I can assure you that if my mama aborted me I wouldn’t know nor give a fuck

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

Caidyn just sang Weezers Sweet Dreams cover and I’m crying, he is perfect

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

This is almost laughable

[KYLE 🖕🏽 @thekillakay_]

*eats out 4 times a week*

My bank account:

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

Will happily pay 100$ to whoever sneaks up on me and punches my baby tooth out of my mouth. Serious inquires only

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

Sometimes, when I’m serving and I forget about a table, I give myself an Indian burn and tell them I spilled coffee on myself

[Laurie Bertram Roberts @smartstatistic]

Respectfully, I'm sorry for your fertility struggle.
The reproductive decisions of other ppl didn't cause your infertility nor are they denying you a chance to parent.
No one is required to stay pregnant due to your struggle. They owe you nothing.

[🇬🇸Perorationer🇰🇼- @Perorationer]

The Doctor said he needed to cut the finger to remove the ring.
The Goldsmith said he needed to cut the ring to remove it.
What did the Engineer do?

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

If I have to hear “pasta p-pasta” on Snapchat one more time

[your bff alex @psybermonkey]

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

I’m back bitches

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

Honestly blessed that my baby isn't a Scorpio lol

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

I'm finally allowed to touch the thermostat in my house. Is this what being an adult feels like?

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

I think I ripped a tendon in my foot because my big toe IS FUCKING USELESS.

[Scrimp 🦐 @CaitlynGarvin]

I just ate the most shit