Caleb Coy Guard

Freelancer, humorist. (@mcsweeneys/ @slackjawhumor/ @PointsInCase)
Author of An Authentic Derivative, a novel.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@CarmineSabia Pipe down fascist

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

Officially a member of the 10-timer’s Club with mcSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Enjoy the list I’ve compiled of every possible first song you’ll hear on an album. https://t.co/eS8nN87acT

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@ThomBrady5 Get off my lawn, Nazi.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@JackPosobiec He died for saying racist things.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

Well it’s raining. So nobody has to endure passive aggressive guilt trips over grilling today, right?

[The Halfway Post @HalfwayPost]

BREAKING: Two Fox News staffers reportedly had mental breakdowns this weekend after reading the morning network-wide memos explaining how to spin Trump’s disastrous Iran deal as a victory for him.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@realDonaldTrump Childish, fascist, slop.
Get off our lawn.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

For those who got the treason stimulus:
What will you be spending it on?
Ivermectin?

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@bennyjohnson Propaganda getting lamer by the day

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@WhiteHouse Then your house is corrupt.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@johnrockshomes That’s because you’re a traitor and an insurrectionist.
Deal with it.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

Read #lordoftheflies
and check out the 4-part miniseries
On #Netflix

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@StephenM Unless an entire one is dying tonight?

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@LauraLoomer “Why is a U.S. citizen and diplomat meeting with other human beings in public while a president declares an unconstitutional war? I’m a big whiney baby pants and a hypocrite.”
That’s what you sound like.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@aladetai @HalfwayPost Shut up fascist

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

Not all heroes wear capes.

[The Halfway Post @HalfwayPost]

BREAKING: For the first time a journalist has reportedly told Donald Trump on a phone call, “Every single claim you have made about this war has been proven a lie within hours, and I will not be publishing anything you’ve told me today.”

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

Listen, guy who was working the Phantom Menace promotional Star Wars kiosk at the Saint Louis Galleria Mall one fine summer day in 1999. You probably don’t remember me, but you should. https://t.co/08Yk29bNYx

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@robbystarbuck Literal king? You mean he’s in charge and can command armies and stuff?

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

@MarioNawfal Oh oh I know this one I know this one.
The POTUS is a pedophile rapist.

[Caleb Coy Guard @CalebCoyGuard]

A ballroom in every elementary school, please.