Candy Crisis

I'm terrified of watermelons.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

I keep having intrusive thoughts about Freddy Krueger and Edward Scissorhands discussing masturbation techniques.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

I like a guy who drives me around. Not because I love chivalry, but because I'm lazy.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Product placement in politics: "I'll remove the stain of corruption as fast as Tide Detergent removes those stubborn shirt stains."

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Why is it a foot fetish and not a feet fetish? Only one particular foot arouses these weirdos?

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

In museums I ask the staff "Do you have this in purple? Are there any matching curtains? How many of these can you get me before Wednesday?"

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Ever since I got a ferret stapled to my chest, men can't help staring at my boobies!

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

No one will make a movie based on your life if the vending machine kept your change. The vending machine must kill your father.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Mickey Mouse wears gloves because he doesn't want to leave his fingerprints in the crime scene.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

@DailyAdviser I love you and your adviseses! *WAVES HAIRS*

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Excuse me, where's the bathroom in this mall? "I'm not gonna tell you, because I'm the master of suspense", said Hitchcock.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

I've circumcised Pinocchio with a pencil sharpener.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

I suspected I had something serious when the doctor handed me a brochure entitled "Living Without Testicles".

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Okay, fine, there is no right or wrong. So... What word should we use to acknowledge that I won this argument?

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

"Penis envy women they have." - Freud Yoda

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

You should stay away from women. We're bad. We'll screw you. Or refuse to screw you.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

Batman Superman Spiderman Clergyman

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

"TIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL! TIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL! TIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL! CRACKER! SQUAWK!" - If Lassie had been a parrot.

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

As the feminist protesters gathered, the reporter shouted "let's interview the one with the bigger boobs!"

[Candy Crisis @CandyCrisis]

There is no "i" in mucus.