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Caroline Draper ⚡️
@CarolineJDraper
The Universe & Cosmos
Joined January 2018
504 Following
183 Followers
3.1K Posts
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Cat outfits will never not be funny.
"This is precisely why I still shit in the house, Cheryl"
@darrenpjones What a loss 😢
Mephisto, by Joaquín Espalter y Rull, 1872, 📸 by Dan Mullan
It’s a good job I’ve got my spiritual socks on or that halftime entertainment could have tipped me over the edge
This is Ender. He pressed the belly rub button and assumed the position. Now it's time for your end of the deal. 12/10
@kvituchalia Go get it girl 🙌🏻🤣
I want a Cookie 🥹❤️
@NiallHarbison Le Grand Rouge ❤️
@jasonjosephlee Amazing news!
The scent on your clothes obviously comforts her. 🥹
In just a few days, she has let you know she feels safe with you.
So obviously you have to adopt her now! #fosterfail
@bunsenbernerbmd They have no business being this cute 😭🥹❤️
Powered by smoochies. My heart. I can’t take it. 😭😍😍
@kwoade Same Biscuit…Same. 🤣
My toddler has been saying "oh dear" constantly in a British accent. We're American. We don't watch British shows. No idea where this came from. It's been three weeks. "Oh dear" when she drops something. "Oh dear" when the dog barks. Very concerned "oh dear" when my husband burned toast. Asked her teacher if they're watching Peppa Pig at daycare. Teacher said no, but she's noticed it too. It's spreading. Four other kids are now saying "oh dear" in British accents. The teacher is baffled. Parents are comparing notes. Someone suggested mass hysteria. Then we found out the elderly crossing guard has been saying "oh dear, careful now" to the kids every morning. She's from Wisconsin. She just has an affect. Fifteen toddlers have developed fake British accents from a crossing guard who isn't British.
Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.
Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.
My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.
Called the county clerk.
Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.
Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?
Me: Yes, but he's a cat.
Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?
Me: He's a legal cat.
Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.
Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.
Clerk: You can file on his behalf.
Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."
Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."
Me: What's the medical reason?
Clerk: He's a cat.
Me: That's not a medical condition.
Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.
Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.
"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."
Took the letter to my vet.
Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.
Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?
Me: Excellent question. No good answer.
Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.
Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?
Vet: On what grounds?
Me: He's a cat.
Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."
Me: Perfect.
Sent it in. Got another rejection.
"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."
My roommate thought this was hilarious.
Roommate: Felix is going to jail.
Me: This is serious.
Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.
Decided that was actually the only option left.
Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.
Checked in at the courthouse.
Clerk: Name?
Me: Felix Martinez.
Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?
Me: Yes.
Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.
Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.
Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?
Me: I filed three. All rejected.
Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.
Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?
Me: Twice.
Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.
Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.
Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?
Me: You tell me.
Supervisor: This is a data error.
Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.
They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.
Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.
Me: Appreciate it.
Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?
Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.
Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.
For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.
Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.
Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.
Roommate: That's what they all say.
Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.
Fitting end to his legal career.
Bellingham station in London has been renamed Jude Bellingham station.
Originally intended only for one day, it will now remain until Sunday following his performance in England’s World Cup match against Mexico.
One of my favorite things I've read recently is about a woman who said whenever a negative thought about herself popped up, she would shout "GUARDS!" and imagine knights entering and carrying the thought away.
#neiltheseal The definition of ungovernable 🤣
Everywhere but the water 😂 Neil the seal
On repeat 🔂🤣🤣
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