CJ Anderson

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@UndisScot Barnbougle Castle

[A View From Yorkshire @models_by_Russ]

Dear Prime Minister & Home Secretary,

I hope this letter finds you well, fully caffeinated, and in possession of a calculator.

I’m writing with what I believe is a modest, fiscally responsible proposal. I understand the Government is offering up to £40,000 to certain individuals to voluntarily leave the United Kingdom. First of all — bold strategy. Nothing says “strong borders” quite like a cashback scheme.

Now, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fully tax-paying, law-abiding British citizen. I know — awkward. I appreciate this may disqualify me from the premium exit package, but I’m willing to negotiate.

I would like to formally apply for £35,000 to leave.

You see, unlike some applicants, I haven’t broken any laws to get here. I didn’t arrive by dinghy. I didn’t require processing, housing, or legal appeals. I’ve actually been funding the whole operation through PAYE for years — which I believe makes me a loyal shareholder in this enterprise.

Given that you’re prepared to offer £40,000 for someone to depart voluntarily after entering illegally, I feel £35,000 for someone who’s been here legally all along represents excellent value for money. Think of it as a “Buy British, Get One Gone” discount.

For £35,000 I will:
   •   Leave quietly.
   •   Not require a press conference.
   •   Not demand a diversity officer to wave me off.
   •   Even carry my own suitcase to the airport.

I may also tweet a polite thank-you note on departure, praising the efficiency of the scheme.

Frankly, it feels like I’ve misunderstood how incentives work in modern Britain. All these years I thought obeying the law, paying taxes, and contributing to society were the winning strategy. Turns out the real pro-move is to arrive unlawfully and wait for a loyalty bonus.

Who knew?

While British families are juggling rent, energy bills, and the weekly food shop like contestants on a dystopian game show, it’s reassuring to know the Treasury has located a spare £40,000 per head for voluntary goodbyes.

May I ask — is there a points card? Ten years of National Insurance contributions and I get a free exit bonus? If so, I believe I’m overdue.

In the spirit of fairness and fiscal responsibility, I am not even asking for the full £40,000. I’m trimming £5,000 off to help balance the books. That’s the kind of responsible budgeting I was raised on.

If successful, I promise to:
   •   Leave via a scheduled flight (economy is fine).
   •   Not stage a protest on the runway.
   •   And refrain from re-entering on a small boat to see if I qualify twice.

All I ask is equal treatment. If departure is now a funded career pathway, I would very much like to submit my CV.

Yours in hopeful relocation,
A slightly confused taxpayer

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@trafficscotland @NWTrunkRoads Good afternoon, will northbound traffic be likely to move soon?

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@martin_od1888 @trafficscotland @NWTrunkRoads Traffic moving southbound now

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@trafficscotland @NWTrunkRoads Can you please give us an idea of how long this will be?

[Katie Hopkins @KTHopkins]

A private message for @MichelleMone

Wishing you all the best, your ladyship.

[Sepsis Research (FEAT) @stopsepsisnow]

We need you! If you are....

- someone with experience of sepsis as an adult
- a carer or family member of those affected as adults
- a health or social care professional working with adult sepsis patients and their carers

[Sepsis Research (FEAT) @stopsepsisnow]

"We’re all still in utter shock and bewildered at our loss. We think about him all the time...His girls Millie and Hannah were his life - he loved them and would do anything for them."

Craig Anderson lost his brother Mark Anderson to #sepsis on 30th March 2023.

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@innisandgunn Newcraighall 🍻

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@3l_liddell @BenLomondGin Never tried it Kev, I’ve still got plenty of @FeverTreeMixers 😉

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@Classicbritcom Bless this house

[Valerie Farrington 💙 @Valhalla51]

This is an eye opener

[Tribune @tribunemagazine]

We’re going to be holding rallies across the country.

We’re going to be organising community resistance.

We’re going to be on picket lines.

Join us: https://t.co/HTyYQt6ILf

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@EwenDCameron @Charlie26Adam Looks parched to me 🤣@petercrouch

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

⁦@KSBScotland⁩ ⁦@Edinburgh_CC⁩ A successful litter pick around Newcraighall Village this morning , thanks to everyone who helped #litterpick 👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@comedyray Listening for stiff nipples is my new pastime - piss taking genius 🤣

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@GC_Archives Grandpa was the janitor and lived in the house with my gran at that time.

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@SpokesPorty @Edinburgh_CC Ridiculous idea here. Why send HGVs back towards the city ?

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

@GrantStottOnAir @bryanb1965 @BBCRadioScot Culture Club ‘Church of the poison mind’ with Helen Terry on backing vocals- amazing voice

[CJ Anderson @CeeJayAndy]

Good afternoon @Edinburgh_CC can this be uplifted from Newcraighall to Gilberstoun cycle path ? It’s now been retrieved from the embankment @KSBScotland