C.Allen

[C.Allen @Charles75005]

@joshdbolton @myldn Hello Josh - of course, please feel free to.

[C.Allen @Charles75005]

@E17Wetlands Just seen some people checking out the scene now. Thank you for escalating. Do keep us updated if you find out anything.

[C.Allen @Charles75005]

@E17Wetlands Need to report this to you - happened today at around 4:25. Shocking cruelty and the bird is now dead! I've already called the office.

[C.Allen @Charles75005]

@RSPCA_official @Natures_Voice - please have a look at this. Is there anything we can do?

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Fun to think that behind every pretty face is a skull that will shriek in a box for millennia.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

I’m sick of being branded a “racist” because of one joke FOUR yrs ago, several recent blog posts & my deeply held personal beliefs.

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat
"Go ahead"
I KNOW YOU CHEATED ON ME JANET
"No, that's not it"
*stares at wife in audience*
Yes it is

[Kristian @vonstrenginho]

Me when @arsenalfantv posts after a loss. https://t.co/v2iyAPbXeO

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Dad I don't think this Muppets DVD you got me is authentic
[Voice from other room] "I'M KREMLIT THE FORG MOTHERFUCKER. I WANT TO FUCK"

[Michael Raphone, Sr. @michael_raphone]

(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)
INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'?
ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

*does a cool trick on a scooter* yeah my parents have been seperated for awhile

[hannah @TribalSpaceCat]

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

[ceej @ceejoyner]

wife: you're listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

INTERVIEWER: why do u want to work at pun zoo
KOALA: well u coud say im very… koala-sponsible. wait. no. qualif–
INTERVIEWER: oo im sory sir

[Brian Gaar @briangaar]

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT