Maya Klausner

I do comedy to pay the bills but waiting tables is my passion. Quesadillas control me. IG: @Selfiepreservation for more funnies/boobs 🧀🦄🌈

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

The song “Mambo No. 5” but instead of girls it’s varieties of cheese.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

I walked by a father and his son biking and the dad said to him, “You learn to fall, you learn to fly”, and I thought to myself, “Wow so profound and true.” Thirty seconds later I tripped over a dead rat… Expecting wings any second now.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

@tugce190333 This is very clearly a hippopotamus. Aka hip-potato-mus… But for real, it’s a hippo.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

@Rainmaker1973 Heart attack surprise

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

@MarioNawfal Now whenever girls like me (vegetarian cat mom) say, “Sports are useless and stupid” …every guy has the perfect rebuttal.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

As a woman gets older, come Easter, “egg hunts” can really take on a whole other meaning.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

This wind blows.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

It’s deeply rewarding to be in a mentally healthy and focused place these days, with my self loathing and toxic tendency to spiral far behind me. I feel truly blessed 💛🙏

…APRIL FOOLS!!! I fell asleep at 4am sitting up eating a block of cheddar while watching Frasier.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Sick April Fools prank idea:

Everyone take out your phones and when no one is looking… Zelle me $50.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

People: “Why are you so self deprecating about your physique? I can see your abs!”

Me: “My pants are super high waisted. Those aren’t my abs. It’s my clavicle.”

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

The UnitedHealthcare shooter brings a new meaning to “he’s packing.”

#sixpack

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Thanksgiving mental acuity check: I just put both of my contacts into the same eye.

Then I made a joke about how dumb that was of me.

…Then I did it again.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Happy Thanksgiving, family is a blessing.

(Everyone counting to ten and doing meditation chants locked in the bathrooms of their family’s house)

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

I literally have a banana in my pocket.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

I respect sobriety greatly.

With that said, I keep seeing posts celebrating people thriving after 17 years of no drugs or alcohol. Well of course. The real impressive journey is that of one who drinks daily and remembers to take the quesadilla out of the oven at 4am.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Adults who have dogs get them at breeders, name them Daisy and are married with kids

Adults who have cats find them in laundromats, name them Crunch Wrap Supreme and lost their virginity in their mid 20s

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Every ad on November 1st:
The holiday season is upon us, sweaters and hot cocoa and Jack Frost

Every ad on November 15th: Time to start working on that summer body— it’s nearly spring!

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Cheese is my love language.

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Eyes are the boobs of the soul

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

If you’re in a bodega and the entire Taylor Swift album isn’t playing on loop are you even in a bodega?

[Maya Klausner @CheeseHarlot]

Venmo @Maya-Klausner

[clevs_swagboy @clevs18]

@CheeseHarlot How do I buy