Chris Ormstrup

Dota 2 Ranked is broken and says I was Divine and we count those

[Chris Ormstrup @ChrisOrmstrup]

:D

[Aokiji クザン 🇵🇸 @DukeOfZamunda]

Spider-Man:
- broke
- mental anguish
- heartbroken
- ZERO hoes
- only friend is the punisher & a cop
- going through debilitating changes

Spider-Man fans:

[vitalik.eth @VitalikButerin]

"Pokemon" is short for "pocket monsters".
"Digimon" is short for "digital monsters".

Therefore, "salmon" is short for "saltwater monsters".

(You might object: salmon spend a big part of their life in freshwater. But pokemon spend a big part of their life outside pockets too!)

[solarapparition @solarapparition]

1. evolve seeds so that they survive the trip through birds' guts
2. mammals like to eat the seeds too
3. wuh oh, seeds don't survive mammal guts
4. evolve capsaicin so mammals hate it but birds are fine
5. but hairless masochistic apes love it. starts eating your fruit because they're how. how unlucky can you get
6. but hairless apes like you so much, they start planting and spreading you themselves

man, what a roller coaster ride

[IY @IY_02496]

That's the beauty of it bro, we study the source material, page after page, book after book... They won't even know we're actually larping...

And when the questions roll in, we use that knowledge to our advantage and we can keep posing like nothing even happened...

[Jyro☄️🐱 @UltimaJyro]

Whole plane watching the Knicks game while this one dude is watching Xenoblade 2 cutscenes

[Otto Von Tweetmarck @OVTweetmarck]

If you want to pitch in for the Tweetman family car fund (we’re fine but if you want) just retweet this and like it so I get ad revenue

[Autism Capital 🧩 @AutismCapital]

“It’s called the Rasengan. They say my Rasengan is the best one they’ve ever seen. I concentrate my chakra perfectly. Nobody concentrates chakra like me. Look at this perfect spiral. You know most Presidents only have one chakra nature, I have all five.”

[Jarvis @jarvis_best]

“It’s going to happen again, Donald san. Be careful.”

[NFL Memes @NFLMemes]

Spencer Fano seeing a Cleveland area code number pop up on his cellphone

[Banana Ball @BananaBall_]

Savannah Bananas legend Hayden Harris has been called up to the Braves

[maybe: k*rk @a_dose_of_wx]

it’s always “are you autistic” and never “thanks for sharing your cool tornado facts with me even though I didn’t ask”

[Chris Ormstrup @ChrisOrmstrup]

@G0ffThew I think you can either go all in on the water offense or hedge it a bit. Maybe something like kingambit?

[Mark Sweep @riffraffhands]

If I was on Artemis I’d choose the seat that would make me slightly further from Earth than the other astronauts during the moon orbit, but I wouldn’t mention it until the press conference.

[Barry @BarryOnHere]

I'm old enough to remember when Tebow first blew up at Florida. Always thought he had to have been hiding some big secret bc there's just no way anybody is really that good of a person.

20 years later he is the only guy I can think of who was built up by the media to be a saint and has actually lived up to it. Also has a higher playoff passer rating than Tom Brady.

[BuccoCapital Bloke @buccocapital]

Looking at every single stock purchase I’ve made in the last 6 months

[Stephen L. Miller @redsteeze]

The Soviet fucking Union in 1980 handled their loss with more grace and respect than Canada has this year.

[Dan McLaughlin @baseballcrank]

The absolute inability to treat Erika Kirk as a human being says so very much more about the people doing it than it does about her. It's how you get rationalizations for more murders.

[Karn EX @Karn_EX]

Really if anything Pokémon XY and Expedition 33 prove that media set in France can be good as long as many, many French people are suffering during the events

[SleeperBraves @SleeperBraves]

Marco Rubio finding out he’s now the 5th starter in the Braves rotation.