Christopher Colletti

I'm just a dude trying to get along. Also I'm a comedian, portrait artist, and writer.

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

@jonstewart Did you ever see this weird article? Harvard scientist returning from Wuhan arrested around the same time Covid first started circulating in China. https://t.co/0M667O3KSq

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

the way eric nelson argued this case reminds me of how i would use rambling anecdotes to stretch out essays in school. does he have some kind of dollars per word deal or something?
#GeorgeFloyd

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

prosecution: *gestures towards parade of witnesses, mountains of evidence*

defense: "yeah well, if he wasn't alive to begin with, he couldn't have been murdered, so."

#GeorgeFloyd

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

a "murder of crows" is needlessly ghoulish and one-dimensional. i think we should change it to a "council of crows." it's more descriptive and accurate. ... a "murder" of crows...wtf kind of grammar even is that? #crows #corvids

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

wish someone would slap that pen out of Officer Dick Chaffing's hand. wtf is he writing? #GeorgeFloydTrial

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

i didn't know if a lawyer doesnt like your answer they can just put their finger on their nose and shout "non-responsive! non-responsive!" and it doesn't count
#GeorgeFloydTrial

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

this damn defense att. reading out the witness quotes is really testing my reverence to this solemn moment and i really really resent that. this guy is an asshole. #GeorgeFloydTrial

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

this defense attorney's tone is so disrespectful, i dont like how he talks to the witness. trying to remember minute details from a traumatizing experience on the spot is really fuckin hard!!! #GeorgeFloydTrial

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

i was today years old when i learned that the tag on a fitted sheet is always on the bottom left corner.

hours of my life, gone for ever—wrestling the devil's scrunchie.

#devilsscrunchie

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

well thank goodness #Biden brought his grimoire, i was worried they wouldn't have any defense against another q-anon shaman #InaugurationDay #Inauguration2021

[Brandon M. Scott @MayorBMScott]

What we’re seeing on Capitol Hill today is an attack on our democracy and an act of treason. This is what white supremacy looks like.

I have spoken to DC @MayorBowser to offer our assistance. Baltimore stands ready to support our sister city.

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

@donlemon looks so pretty in his silk pajamas

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

@laurenybonner There's a lot of damaged boys out there, but sincerity is making a comeback, I promise.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

Holy shit #SNL is so good tonight. Thank you so much @DaveChappelle for making me laugh harder than I have in years.

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

#ConspiracyofKindness I fuckin love it

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

@paulscheer And have a fair and balanced court? Ludicrous. What's next!? Outlawing gerrymandering? Eliminating the electoral college? Making election days federal holidays? Investing in education to foster development of critical thinking skills and empathy? Outrageous.

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

.@realDonaldTrump I don't care what anybody says, you're doing a great job applying your own bronzer now that you have Covid. Great job!

[Henry Winkler @hwinkler4real]

My birthday is in 23 days ...
All I want for my birthday is a NEW president.. thank you in advance

[Christopher Colletti @Chris_Colletti]

"There was a time our country believed in science." *Looks right at Pence and calls him a bitch with her eyes* #KamalaHarris