Elliott Beard

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

I can't bring myself to support Twitter even passively anymore, gotta do what I did with my Facebook account: Give myself an impossible password, write it down and stash it away someplace inconvenient, and log out for some brighter future when the website is under new management.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

@mwspence Setting aside all the other lunacy, one way you can tell someone doesn't know a thing about publishing is if they think ANY step in the process of publishing a book gets accomplished in just twelve days.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

The GOP House is going to utterly horsefuck the world economy, aren't they?

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

For Neal Stephenson fans

https://t.co/63I5rTsJqO

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Why isn't there a nonprofit Twitter? A Twikipedia?

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

@doctorow This is clearly the New Zealand consulate in New York.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

"White Noise featuring a new song by LCD Soundsystem" cracks me up. What, was Kenny Loggins not available?

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Fire from a faulty battery knocks out Ag Dome 1, starvation looms, colonists can't get the message home because the Mars planetary code has been disabled. Oh well, they say to themselves, can't say we didn't see this this coming.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Does American society need Ross Douthat? Def not.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Man, Indian TSA must be REALLY inefficient!

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

To be fair I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference between Amsterdam and Babylon even if Margot Robbie wasn't in both of them.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

If you gave, say, Louis XIV a Twinkie or a circus peanut, would he be disgusted or would he think it was the finest confection he'd ever tasted? I'll be honest and admit I think about this stupid question a lot.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Can you imagine if you paid good money to see a comedy show and Elon Musk showed up on stage? Jesus.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

If anyone questioned my ability to form longitudinally appropriate celebrity crushes I would direct their attention to Saskia Reeves.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

If I want a burger, I can choose to go to McDonald's or to Wendy's. If I want a two-by-four I can go to Lowe's or Home Depot or Ace Hardware. Why is there no other option to Twitter? Elon Musk is a piece of shit and I don't want to support a business he owns.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Feeling shook. Just learned that Bluey is a girl.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

@nathanwpyle I'd like to live as long as possible, maybe even long enough to see each of my dismembered limbs fed into the open beak of a different waiting hatchling.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Left unclear is whether my method for scratching them behind the ears is thought to lead directly to them shedding so much.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

This morning my wife told me I'm probably responsible for the cats throwing up on account of "how you feed them." How's your day going?

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

It's like if they ran the headline PRESIDENT SHOT TO DEATH over a picture from a Biden press conference and a blind link to the Wikipedia page on Abraham Lincoln.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

I will send you $10 in the mail if you can correctly guess who this news item is about.

[Elliott Beard @Chuckell2]

Also this headline, "Man Fights Off Shark," is a little at odds with the content of the story, which is "Man Definitely Obviously Killed His Wife."