Dirty Shirley

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good

[Dirty Shirley @CleverGirl85]

My husband is the reason I can't have nice things. Like a clean bathroom. Or a boyfriend with a foreign accent.

[melissa lozada-oliva @ellomelissa]

[tracy chapman voice] you gotta fat ass

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn't warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

[mariana Z @mariana057]

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted...

turns out that's 9 pm.

[kim @KimmyMonte]

sick of people saying “the sun sets” or “the sun rises” the sun doesn’t do shit. we move. the sun just sits there like the lazy fiery piece of shit that it is.

[microplastics nanobubbler @facetedcarapace]

If you put a new trash bag in the can *before* you take the trash to the dumpster, the chore is entirely done when you get back inside. Little tricks like this keep you from killing yourself in your 30's.

[Laura Marie @lmegordon]

Group assignments are important because that's where you learn that everybody else is an idiot and if you want a good grade, you have to do everything yourself. That was the lesson, right?

[Kristen Mulrooney @missmulrooney]

My 4-year-old said she’s scared to become a grown up because she “doesn’t know how to do the gas station.” She has no idea how real she’s being right now

[Alissa ❤️‍🔥 @SomeD1ckH3adGuy]

spotify wrapped should get more chaotic. tell us which songs we skipped the most. which ones we turned the volume all the way up for. be like “remember that day u listened to famous by mason ramsey 152 times? we do. it was july 5th!”

[the girl reading this :) @bexual_healing]

if your comms director looks like this all your meetings are structured, your 1-1s are actually about you and your career progression, and you aren’t receiving emails after hours I can tell you that for free

[Bad Mikey @BadMikeyBad]

A haunted house, but it’s just a bunch of high schoolers using words and phrases I need to look up on Urban Dictionary

[internet hall of fame @InternetH0F]

real

[Laura Marie @lmegordon]

No presents please. Your presence is the real gift. But seriously, don't buy my kid another plastic piece of crap. We are up to our eyeballs in plastic crap. We are drowning in a sea of old presents. Save us. Buy nothing. I beg you.

[emily may @emilykmay]

are women ever going to admit that thongs are the most sensory nightmare piece of clothing that has ever existed or are they still going to look at me in my eyeballs and say “i actually find them more comfortable.”

[Douglas A. Boneparth @dougboneparth]

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999. I want to buy a house like it’s 1999.

[Sophie Vershbow @svershbow]

Learning how to write a respectfully devastating email is one of the most important skills you can learn in your career.

[krista @kristabellerina]

My kid is asking me questions like “what is ethics,” and I just want to rewind to the “do mermaids know what pants are” stage because it was easier.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist

[keely flaherty @keelyflaherty]

hey sorry i overreacted, i always do that whenever anything happens