Cody Hackmann

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@SuperBookUnit @BarstoolBigCat @PFTCommenter @SpencerTagMe

[Micah Parsons @MicahhParsons11]

Thank you Dallas ….. GO Pack Go! 🧀🟢🟡

[Lou Stagner (Golf Stat Pro) @LouStagner]

HANDICAP CHAIR: Steady, friends. Tonight we sail toward fairness… toward a nation where any two golfers can wager two dollars with mathematical dignity.

GOLFER: Sir, how will we know our dignity?

HANDICAP CHAIR: By a number. We shall call it a Handicap Index. The average of your best eight of the last twenty scores.

GOLFER: Why eight?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Because nine is chaos and seven is anarchy.

GOLFER: And if I’ve posted fewer than twenty scores?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Then a lookup table chooses for you. Sometimes it is two. Sometimes it is three. Never ask why.

GOLFER: How is the Handicap Index calculated, sir?

HANDICAP CHAIR: With a Score Differential. You take your adjusted gross, subtract the Course Rating, subtract the PCC, multiply by 113, and divide by Slope.

GOLFER: Why 113?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Nobody knows.

GOLFER: The “PCC,” sir?

HANDICAP CHAIR: The Playing Conditions Calculation. Each night, statisticians decide if your differential should be adjusted.

GOLFER: Will the PCC make sense to golfers, Sir?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Not a chance.

GOLFER: Suppose I make a nine on a par-4, must I post the full score?

HANDICAP CHAIR: No! For posting, the maximum is Net Double Bogey: Par + 2 + the strokes you receive on that hole.

GOLFER: What if my partner conceded my putt in match play?

HANDICAP CHAIR: You record your most likely score... what you would have nobly holed, unless it exceeds Net Double Bogey, in which case it did not happen. Mathematics insists.

GOLFER: And if I only play nine holes today?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Then the system shall summon your expected self to finish the back nine. Your expected self is very steady. He always shoots net par on the back.

GOLFER: How do I turn my Index into the strokes I actually get on the course?

HANDICAP CHAIR: The Course Handicap of course! Which is Handicap Index × (Slope/113) + (Course Rating - Par).

GOLFER: …and then that’s what I play off?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Perhaps. In singles stroke play, you shall receive 95%. In four-ball, 85%. In alternate shot, your souls shall be combined and 50% shall be bestowed. In greensomes, 60% of the lower + 40% of the higher. A recipe handed down by the ancients.

GOLFER: Why these percentages?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Because we are free men.

GOLFER: And if I start slumping?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Fear not. The soft cap slows any rise more than 3.0 above your Low HI. Should you plunge further, the hard cap stops the bleeding at +5.0. Your pride will go no higher.

GOLFER: And if I suddenly shoot seven better than my Index?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Then the Exceptional Score Reduction smites your record by 1 shot (or 2 shots if ten better). This is mercy disguised as punishment.

GOLFER: How often will I actually play to my number?

HANDICAP CHAIR: About one day in five. The other four you shall share excuses after the round.

GOLFER: One last thing, sir. If I play from different tees than my opponent?

HANDICAP CHAIR: Add the difference in par to the higher par tee and carry on. If you forget, simply argue on the 17th tee like our forefathers.

GOLFER: I confess, I’m confused sir.

HANDICAP CHAIR: Do not fear confusion. Embrace it. For tonight we create a world where a friend asks, “What’d you shoot?” and you reply, “I posted 87, net 74, PCC +2, CH 11, PH 10 at 95%, capped, no ESR”

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@johnnieO Mitch Richmond

[Fore Play @ForePlayPod]

Starter: “cart path only today”

Me:

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@JD_Birdies @NoLayingUp Gonna need some info on early ticket sales. He’s only captain material with big crowds

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

Oh, Rory

[Cousin Sal @TheCousinSal]

The Packers recovered that fumble but only if you consider every available replay angle.

[Jacob Westendorf @JacobWestendorf]

I’m old and not going to be up at midnight - so for anyone who wants to see a ball drop.

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@scott_pianowski Mostert 🤦🏼‍♂️

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

😳

[Robert Mays @robertmays]

Re-watching Jordan Love from last Sunday, and I've got some rough news for Bears fans: I think it's officially done. He's just good. It really happened again.

[Tom Ackerman @Ackerman1120]

Mike Shannon calls Albert Pujols vs. Kerry Wood - July 4, 2003 #stlcards

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@steveeagle11 Philly and the Chiefs plays for it all!

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@JD_Birdies @PGATUOR You forgot the +

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@steveeagle11 Hot as your squad is, it won’t matter!

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@EricNMoody Pollard or Aaron Jones today?

[Cody Hackmann @CodyHackmann]

@syrup_chugger Pack are overmatched, but I think that’s our reality this year haha. No weapons, multiplied by a couple drops, with a side of stuffed at the 1 on 4th down.