Coffee & Crusts

American mom making jokes and preparing for Aussie life

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

You keep saying go fuck yourself like that’s not exactly what I want to be doing right now.

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

If you want to know what it’s like having a second child my postpartum hair loss is growing in grey.

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Shout out to all the moms working extra hard on Saturday so you can relax on Sunday

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Me: I have a newborn so I’m going to keep Thanksgiving really low key this year

Also me: *makes the exact same dinner as every year because I couldn’t possibly leave out a dish*

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

I’m really glad I lost 15 pounds so I can wear the new “in” style of jeans and look like I put them right back on

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

It’s my baby’s first Halloween and I’m going as a zombie

Best part is I don’t need a costume

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Them: *aggressively sniffs newborn*
I just LOVE this smell!

Me: he literally came out of my vag and hasn’t had a bath yet

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Important question: if the bottle brush sprays me with hot soapy water when I pull it out of the bottle does that count as a shower?

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Me: *deep in the throes of second trimester heartburn*

Also me: *craves jalapeños*

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Me: proud of myself for remembering to preheat the pan

Also me: had the wrong burner on the whole time

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Me: *spends all day taking daughter to activities and meeting her every need*

Daughter: *lays in bed singing a song about how much she loves Dad*

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

4: *finally playing alone*

Me: *sits*

4: …I have to poop 😃

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Drive your husband crazy by sending him videos of you shaking your presents when they get delivered

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

69 but it’s just me and my husband massaging each other’s feet at the same time

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Friend: *has a baby*

Other friends: omg so beautiful 🥹

Me: isn’t it weird you had that whole-ass baby inside you a few hours ago

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Husband: *pours himself a glass of wine without offering me one*

Me: You could have just said you want a divorce

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Normalize buying maternity sweats when you’re not pregnant

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Me: I love you

3: I don’t love you and in 2 weeks I’m not going to allow you in this house

Me: 😳

[kevin @chukka60]

@CoffeeNCrusts Wait till they get zits that need popping.

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

Normalize using diaper rash cream on your chafed thighs

[Coffee & Crusts @CoffeeNCrusts]

“Not to brag, but it only took me a week to return to my pre-baby weight!”

- me, after having a miscarriage