Scradley

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

MAN!! My boss is always "Blah blah blah", "You're late", and "Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!"

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Oh, you like to use the word “whilst”? What are you, a 19th-century poet sipping tea by candlelight, penning letters with a quill? Step into the 21st century with the rest of us before you start dueling people at dawn.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

“I’m going under my blanket and I’m not eating boogers so don’t check” -my 4 year old, before definitely eating boogers under a blanket

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

I was living in blissful ignorance of my age until this morning, when my wife referred to my balls as “sweet chariots”.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Sometimes things just snowball out of control.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

🎶So much to learn about, it’ll make you wanna shout, KILL ME! 🎶

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Stayed late at the office today and managed to fart in 6 of the 8 other employee’s chairs. Just over here doing the lord’s work.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

When pictures of my children don’t get more than 50 likes on Instagram I make them do push ups.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

“Fuck your clean counter tops” the inventor of the everything bagel.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Your upstairs neighbour is just trying to live their life. Go boil some cabbage you filthy basement dweller.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Oh you wanted a basic cooking time chart for a roast? Fuck you, here’s a story about when I was a little girl in Poland.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

I wouldn’t say my toddler is a scientist, but she did figure out how long it takes to microwave a shoe, and that has to come in handy somewhere down the line.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

A kid in my neighborhood threw a banana at my car today. I was upset at first, but in retrospect, Odoyle does, in fact, rule.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Got four stitches in my scrotum from an unfortunate roller skating mishap but one of my frozen pizza slices had 6 pepperonis so…. Pretty good first date imo.

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

There’s a secret room in Arby’s where they’ll let you punch a cow

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Just two dads discussing fatherhood.

[Ella Zee 🌈👑 @EllaZee5]

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Russia will mail you a person, they don't give a fuck.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

My dad doesn’t let me on his boat anymore since I rode a knife down the sail.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Pythagorasaurus was the smartest of all the dinosaurs.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Free Fish Names Part 2:

Sir Anthony Hopfins
Shak-eel O'neal
Iggy Ascalea
Minnowna Ryder
Sardean Koontz
Jon Bonchovie
Goldie Prawn
Phillip Seafloor Hoffman