ferg

champion thumb wrestler

[ferg @hobo_hands]

@elonmusk @MakZuckerberg I hear you boys wanna throw down and I am here for it, come on over next Tuesday I have a tidy parking lot with near by hospitals and capable first aid attendants and we just let it bang. Let’s get it dudes

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

Got four stitches in my scrotum from an unfortunate roller skating mishap but one of my frozen pizza slices had 6 pepperonis so…. Pretty good first date imo.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Got invited to a cheese tasting and I’m lactose intolerant, there’s one bathroom, best of luck to everyone else here.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

There was a tsunami warning today and honestly I was like, yea man, we deserve this.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Oh you wanted a basic cooking time chart for a roast? Fuck you, here’s a story about when I was a little girl in Poland.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Kevin Costner rides an entire horse into your wedding, pretty much everyone is freaking out, and we softly have the discussion “maybe calm down a bit”

[ferg @hobo_hands]

You’re telling me you’re depressed even though scallop potatoes exist? Cheer up you sad fuck.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Can I order the fajitas but without the dramatic entrance?

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Asked a Thai restaurant for maximum heat and my left ear is ringing?

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Have you ever had another adult tell you to go to bed? That shit is infuriating. I’m over here worrying about how strong a kangaroo could possibly get and you want me to just sleep about it?

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Your upstairs neighbour is just trying to live their life. Go boil some cabbage you filthy basement dweller.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Just had to follow through with plans I made. Fucking exhausting, would not recommend.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Look me in the eyes and tell me your air fryer wings taste better than deep fried ones. You can’t and that’s on you coward.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

I’m not even comfortable using one entendre

[ferg @hobo_hands]

“Fuck your clean counter tops” the inventor of the everything bagel.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

What do you do six minutes after you start kayaking? Oh, so just more of this?

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Put strawberries in my wife’s mimosa like some kinda dang fancy boy.

[Scradley @ColorMeScradd]

I've been sober for 3 years now and I've gotten really into cooking lately. Everything I used to cook just required Sudafed. Now I need things like paprika and there's far fewer explosions.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

Sometimes Instagram videos tell me to wait for it and I just don’t. It’s had very little effect on my life.

[ferg @hobo_hands]

When pictures of my children don’t get more than 50 likes on Instagram I make them do push ups.