curing the itch

in life, you either give a fuck or wooba wooba zooba maka wooba dooba hoo

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

You can't beat a hungry lion with your wits, but you can avoid getting inside it's cage.

[Mr. Drinks On Me @Mr_DrinksOnMe]

Every EDM song ever.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

It must have been Jesus. He feels embarrassed.

[John Bechard @JohnBechard]

@realDonaldTrump Nice timing. Right during a Russian naval attack on Ukraine. Could you be any dumber?

Don’t answer.

[@[email protected] @JonBaker]

I’m tired of constantly being either overwhelmed or underwhelmed. Can everything please just whelm me at the appropriate levels?

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: Don't talk to strangers.

4-year-old: I know.

Me: Do you understand why?

4: They might be sith.

[Mr. Drinks On Me @Mr_DrinksOnMe]

You know you've grown up when you think something has too much sugar.

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

It's been two years of total recluse then.

Yay.

#duh #MyTwitterAnniversary

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other people happy.

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

Them royals sure do know how to keep fancy names.

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

Google to now show LOL emojis every time someone searches for "Encyclopedia". #fact

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it poop. Or pee. Or poop while peeing.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got...toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

[J.R.R. Tolkien @JRRTolkien]

'I wish it need not have happened in my time,' said Frodo. 'So do I,' said Gandalf, 'and so do all who live to see such times.'

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

the beard is for hiding the yawn from your insufferable small talk

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

still waiting for life to give me lemons...

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

Hate to break it but liking The Economists page won't even begin to make you into a Warren Buffet. Bummer, I know.

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

i tried and tried and tried and ever failed but i still tried because karma
#MotivationStuff101

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I was smart enough to turn back
#TheRoadNotTaken

[curing the itch @CuringTheItch]

oxymoron is clearly confusing
*stares at the silent room*
i know my way out, thanks