Dad and Buried

I don't hate my kids, I hate parenting them! PRE-ORDER MY BOOK!

[Luke Christensen @LukeChrisFFL]

The ONLY QBs I’m taking over Deshaun Watson this season 🚨🚨

1. Josh Allen
2. Lamar Jackson
3. Drake Maye
4. Jayden Daniels
5. Joe Burrow
6. Jalen Hurts
7. Justin Herbert
8. Jaxson Dart
9. Trevor Lawrence
10. Brock Purdy
11. Caleb Williams
12. Bo Nix
13. Dak Prescott
14. Matthew Stafford
15. Patrick Mahomes
16. Jared Goff
17. Kyler Murray
18. Baker Mayfield
19. Jordan Love
20. Tyler Shough
21. Malik Willis
22. Sam Darnold
23. C.J. Stroud
24. Daniel Jones
25. Cam Ward
26. Bryce Young
27. Jacoby Brissett
28. Aaron Rodgers
29. Geno Smith
30. Fernando Mendoza
31. Michael Penix Jr.
32. Shedeur Sanders
33. Tua Tagovailoa
34. Kirk Cousins
35. Carson Beck
36. Mac Jones
37. Ty Simpson
38. Justin Fields
39. Anthony Richardson Sr.
40. Jameis Winston
41. Joe Flacco
42. Cade Klubnik
43. Marcus Mariota
44. Joe Milton III
45. Taylen Green
46. Gardner Minshew II
47. Quinn Ewers
48. Tyrod Taylor
49. Davis Mills
50. Tyson Bagent
51. Jalen Milroe
52. Spencer Rattler
53. Trey Lance
54. Riley Leonard
55. Tyler Huntley
56. Carson Wentz
57. Jarrett Stidham
58. Drew Allar
59. Sam Howell
60. Jack Strand
61. Mitchell Trubisky
62. Andy Dalton
63. Kenny Pickett
64. Dillon Gabriel
65. Jake Browning
66. Mason Rudolph
67. Jalon Daniels
68. Kyle Allen
69. Joshua Dobbs
70. Tommy DeVito
71. Cooper Rush
72. Drew Lock
73. Kyle McCord
74. Jimmy Garoppolo
75. Tanner McKee
76. Garrett Nussmeier
77. Will Howard
78. Zach Wilson
79. Hendon Hooker
80. Chris Oladokun
81. Nick Mullens
82. Stetson Bennett IV
83. Cole Payton
84. Kurtis Rourke
85. Haynes King
86. Aidan O’Connell
87. Athan Kaliakmanis
88. Case Keenum
89. Behren Morton
90. Sam Ehlinger
91. Joe Fagnano
92. Jake Haener
93. Brady Cook
94. Will Levis
95. Kyle Trask
96. Brandon Allen
97. Matt Barkley
98. Luke Altmyer
99. DJ Uiagalelei
100. Skylar Thompson
101. Bailey Zappe
102. Sam Hartman
103. Josh Johnson
104. Shane Buechele
105. Dorian Thompson-Robinson
106. Desmond Ridder
107. Matt Corral
108. Seth Henigan
109. Brett Rypien
110. Devin Leary
111. Ryan Leaf
112. JaMarcus Russell
113. Nathan Peterman

THAT’S IT! That’s the list.
Deshaun is going to make the entire league UNCOMFORTABLE this season 🔥🔥🔥

[evan loves worf @esjesjesj]

Lmao holy shit

[Bill Ryan @faceuh8]

"I admire the sincerity of it. Or whatever is happening in place of sincerity." Pretty accurate summary of Ween.

[wint @dril]

a prominent member of Film Twitter told me to "Suck his dick" just because i said that my favorite movie is the tv show Scrubs

[very tall bart @TallBart]

Batman: *hits delete on the Epstein files as the music swells* The truth would tear them apart

Alfred: yeh did the roight thing mista wayne

[King of Phinland🐬👑 @KingOfPhinland]

Tua with a 40 yard bomb in his Hard Rock Stadium return reminding Dolphins fans who he really is🤭

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

@KingOfPhinland Now that’s some funny shit 🤣🤣🤣

[Dan McLaughlin @baseballcrank]

I have never seen anything so accurate on this site.

[sarah @ALRlGHTNOW]

this is what everything in the world has been like since 2018

[Steven Hyden @Steven_Hyden]

A ray of goddamn sunshine.

[Friendly death @deathdealer313]

X is not a place for the weak

[Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais]

"ESPN personality Pat McAfee released an album of original music on Friday. Critics say if the album is played backwards, the listener could hear hidden demonic messages. More worrying still, if the album is played forward, the listener could hear original music by Pat McAfee."

[cali is on her own, kid ♥️ @longstorycali]

this is so insanely unserious i want to start using it in every context

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

@jowrotethis The dystopia is dystopiaing

[Jim Cummings @jimmycthatsme]

Steven Soderbergh made an app that chronicles each shot in JAWS and it's unbelievable. Entire shooting days never made the final cut, and some scenes were assembled from footage that was shot months apart. Every filmmaker should spend a few hours with it.

[Colin McLaughlin @colinthecrabb]

Get outta here Odysseus. We're eating the sun-god's cattle and you don't want none of this shit

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

I needed to move a sofa.

I mentioned this to an American. He said, "You know anybody with a truck?"

I did not know anybody with a truck.

He looked at me with real concern. Not pity. Concern. The way you look at a man who has told you he does not have a name.

"You gotta know somebody with a truck."

I asked how one acquires such a person.

He said, "You just do."

This is the third time I have received that answer in this country. It is the answer to everything here. You just do. There is no process. There is only the eventual fact of having.

He said, "Ask Kevin."

I do not know a Kevin. He said Kevin like I should. He said it the way you say a shared uncle.

I met Kevin four days later. Kevin owns a truck. Kevin does not own a truck for himself. Nobody owns a truck for themselves. Kevin owns a truck for a fifteen mile radius.

Inside I said: THIS MAN HAS TAKEN A VOW. HE DID NOT ANNOUNCE IT. HE SIMPLY PURCHASED A BED AND ACCEPTED THE CONSEQUENCES.

Kevin arrived on Saturday. He brought the truck. He also brought a second man.

I had not asked for a second man.

The second man's name is Tony. Tony came because Kevin came. Tony did not know me. Tony did not ask what we were moving. Tony brought gloves.

They moved the sofa in eleven minutes.

I offered them money. Both of them laughed at the same time, which felt rehearsed and was not.

I asked what I owed them.

Kevin said, "Buy the pizza."

That is the price. That is the entire economy. The truck costs one pizza and the pizza is not negotiable and the pizza is also not expensive and everyone knows what size.

Inside I said: THE FEE IS FIXED ACROSS THE ENTIRE NATION AND WAS SET BY NO ONE.

We ate on the floor because the sofa was against the wall and none of us wanted to be the first to sit on it.

Tony told me his daughter plays soccer. I asked if she is good. He said, "She's aggressive."

I still think about that.

Three weeks later, Kevin texted me.

"You free Sunday? Helping Tony move a fridge."

He did not ask if I wanted to. He informed me of a fridge.

Inside I said: I HAVE BEEN CALLED UP. I DID NOT ENLIST. THE PAPERS WERE FILED ON MY BEHALF.

I went. I moved the fridge. I have no truck. I contributed only arms.

Afterward, a man I had never met asked me if I knew anybody with a truck.

I said, "Yeah, I got a guy."

I have a guy.

I am somebody's guy now, too. Tony has told two people about me.

He describes me as "the guy who's strong for his size."

I have never been prouder of a sentence in my life.

[SomeFunniThing @Wehavecomefor]

Never forget that this movie gave us one of the funniest movie theater recordings ever

[Chuck Bass @ChuckFBass]

How drinking another beer looks at me while I'm drinking a beer.