Dad School

Aspiring author, home dad, ex-accountant, autistic, and 'disgusting ape', according to my wife.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

Me: Why do people complain about how difficult their children are on twitter all the time?

Little one: *starts potty training, drops all naps, decides screaming is fun, yells "NO" at everything I say*

Me: Oh.

#parenting #toddlers #Dadlife

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@threetimedaddy Also, happy birthday.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@threetimedaddy https://t.co/zlvlxYvvxO

[Dad School @DadSchool]

Me at 21: I'll never be boring!

Me at 31:
- Owns a kneeling pad for gardening
- Enjoys conversations about flooring
- Regularly uses the word 'almanac'

[Dad School @DadSchool]

Just so you know, the little one said he has a baby in his tummy, and the baby is a spider.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

When you go on holiday and forget to use up the bread...

[Dad School @DadSchool]

Working in #retail is just apologising to customers for problems they create until you clock out.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@RDawnHutchinson I know what it's like! Just tell yourself you started in the middle.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

This rat does not know when to stop!

[Dad School @DadSchool]

I dream in silence on a lazy sea
Of perfect glass, a never ending pane.
I can't but trace your well-formed memory;
In breathless whisper I betray your name.

#amwriting #poetry

[Dad School @DadSchool]

When you're scrolling through someone's tl and accidentally like a tweet from several years ago... #overkeen

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@Pickinguptoys I was called Giggles, but only because I spent a school year on and off of strong pain medication and it sent me a bit loopy.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

An actual quotation from my 3yo:

"Hooray, salad then reading!"

This is it, I've cracked #parenting, right?

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@icescream43 I had a bad convo at work today - an old man (80ish? told me he was doing the shopping cos his wife is ill and in and out of hospital, "but that should all end soon."

I didn't have the courage to ask if he meant that as good news or bad news.

#RetailLife #Retail

[Dad School @DadSchool]

Found out in a 45-second convo with a stranger that:

She needs to diet
She hates her mother
Its OK, her mother won't be alive much longer
Her teenage son is vile
Her teenage son got someone pregnant

#Retail workers are not your friends, stop talking to me about these things!

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@icescream43 Thank you! All customers need to be like you.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

Technically true for any month but OK.

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@EmmaDixon_EU @BootstrapCook I've always treated veggie roasts as an excuse to have every side - stuffing, Yorkshires, bread/apple sauce, honey roast carrots...

[Dad School @DadSchool]

KILL IT WITH FIRE

[Dad School @DadSchool]

He held the cup out; she ignored it. At length, he put it down.

"Where are your friends?" she asked.

"Gone," he replied.

He could sense more questions lined up behind her lips, ones he'd rather not answer, so cut in.

"Well, if we're stuck here, what's your story?"
#writeaskew

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@thelaceylondon "Don't worry, it won't attack unprovo..."

[Dad School @DadSchool]

@Hopcatchy @erbearmoynihan I've just woken up from literature yoghurt - each yoghurt is a story, and as you eat it you get a whole book of narration, emotion, action etc. instantly downloaded into your head as a flavour. I dreamt I was in a yoghurt library illicitly and was eat-reading one.