Daniel Tosh

Here To Make You Piss Your Pants Laughing... One Tweet At A Time.
**PARODY ACCOUNT** Not real Daniel Tosh.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

Stop feeling alone, start laughing. Stop dreaming, start believing. Stop fighting, start loving. Stop thinking, start acting.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

No one makes a lock without a key. That's why God won't give you problems without solutions.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

When I open a bag of bread, I skip the first piece. Because its ugly.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

You're a basic bitch if u let the microwave hit 0

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

white girls be like

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

I need a phone with 500% battery life.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

don't ever fuck with people who have photos of you from 6th grade

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

i hate when you talk to someone every single day & then it just stops. all of a sudden neither of you say a word to each other ever again.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

i envy people that come up with witty comebacks on the spot because i'm gonna need at least a 3 day notice

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

i love summer so much *sits around doing nothing*

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

Twitter...because our parents joined Facebook.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

The only thing i can turn on is my computer 💻

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

Look at the keyboard. It has 'U' and 'I' together. Look underneath that. It says 'JK'.

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

"Mom...I'm bored" "Ok, if you're so bored why don't you clean this..." "Never mind I found something to do."

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

11 year old kids making Twitter accounts and shit. The fuck you gonna tweet about?! "Just leaving day care, about to go play outside."

[Daniel Tosh @DanTosh_Daily]

It's not weird to talk to yourself, it's just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.