DasAutoCitron

Jesus loves you, but we think you're a cunt.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

Jordan Jensen just taught me why I'm not a lesbian, or bi.

I had a mentally stable and mature mother. And a raging alcoholic for a father from my teenage years on up. I'm not trying to replace mommy, I'm trying to replace daddy; and if I was a lesbian, I would absolutely be daddy.

It's not great, but it is true.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

Do you have a MAGA in your life with a birthday coming up?

May I recommend this

https://t.co/zeuJNPXYmx

[Dogs 4 Rescue @Dogs4Rescue]

We often say we take dogs to free up spaces for others. Today we are going to show you who replaced Vonnie and Valentino at Cyprus Dog Rescue at the end of this video 🐶🐶

But first watch the newbies arrive and settle in 🐕🐕 We will find these beauties their loving forever homes, and Andrea has an unlikely new duo safely in her care. Thank you Golden Paw Club members - your £5 a month really does make a difference.

And amazing things can happen when rescues work together 💜

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

While I'm waiting to find my man, I sometimes worry that his pet-voice will be too high pitched.

[Dumfukdetector 🇺🇸🏳️‍🌈 @Dumfukdetector]

Dumfuks of the day🎖

Hey ladies, if you run out of towels and need a place get dry really fast, this is it! And the more the merrier, cuz there aren't any women there yet...

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

For $5 I'll use ai to add stink lines to your enemy's selfies.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

Never would have thought.. Trump was right all along.

He does look worse without that stupid hair.

[Morgan J. Freeman @mjfree]

BREAKING: These are NOT altered by AI. They are actual photos from two different days in China when the wind revealed what we've known all along. A Fake. A Fraud.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

@Dumfukdetector .. I can't believe it. Trump was right all along. He does look worse without that stupid hair.

[OleSaintPat @OleSaintPat]

“you seem so unbothered” thanks i can’t remember 70% of my life

[Turgid Verse @gullyvuhr]

I think the best first date question, because people love to talk about themselves, is "What the fuck is wrong with you?". It really sets the proper tone. Follow me for more dating hacks.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

@SeanOhhhh

[Bitz @bitzydimbo]

my favourite 4 letter word is "shitfuck," I say it quite often.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

@bitzydimbo 😂 I say that, but in reverse, and half-Danish half-English, constantly.

My co-workers have started using it, too.

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

@Puppieslover STEVEN! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!

[Liam Nissan™ @theliamnissan]

Elon is now locking accounts who tag #smokefleet for "platform manipulation". What a bunch of horseshit, isn't getting something to trend THE WHOLE POINT OF THE WEBSITE???

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

@GuzKhanOfficial Christ, he's horny.

[Carly Johnson @carlyjohnson123]

This is actually sad. These young people are actually so stupid they're brainwashed, ignorance at its finest 😭

[DasAutoCitron @DasAutoCitron]

Me, having "It's weekend!"-beers with my new work-bestie

[Wilde Thingy @wildethingy]

Them: If God doesn't exist, explain the human eye.
Me: If God does exist, explain the human penis.

[Liam Nissan™ @theliamnissan]

Everybody is allowed to copy my tweets verbatim. I encourage it. Go ahead. If people get pissy show them this tweet.