The Memphis PartySnake

Sometimes I tell jokes in real life

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Having ADHD and being turned into a vampire would be so embarrassing.

Imagine being alive 600 years and you still haven't put that desk in your castle office together

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

I really dig what the new health and fitness influencers are up to.

They'll be like bro, you're actually NOT fat. You're full of cortisol.

You need to do 3 daily sets of releasing your inhibitions and feeling the rain on your skin.

Also, grey market peptides.

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Elon Musk sounds like a kid who isn't supposed to have candy, but he has a candy in his mouth when you ask a question and he tries to talk like he does not in fact have a candy in his mouth

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Sorry, babe, I know you really wanted Cheesecake Factory tonight. But unfortunately we are fighting the corporate oligarchy.

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Karens with OCD be like, "I wanna speak to the micro-manager!"

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

I didn't think the porn ban in Florida would be that bad, but I just randomly ended up on the Florida/Georgia line just to get a hit of that Hub

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

My bank warned me that my "transportation spending" is unusually high.

Which is a nice way to tell me I've been getting too many sandwiches at the gas station.

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

50/50 day for Catholics.

You got Trump in office, but Notre Dame is getting fuckin mud hole stomped

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Airplane mode isn't nearly as cool as it sounds.

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

#PaulVsTyson fight is on Channel 91 scrambled porn status

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Live look at the Netflix servers when 100M people actually tune in at once #PaulVsTyson

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Can't tell if it's Netflix having trouble or the fact that I bought the Spirit air wifi to watch the fight in the sky 🤣

#PaulVsTyson

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Whether you're on the left or the right, I think we can all agree that the potential for less JoJo Siwa is something we can all get behind.

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Congratulations to @TonyHinchcliffe on becoming the new white house press secretary

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

"Whose pussy is this?" - Me fucking, but I have dementia

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

A lot of people hate their jobs, but imagine being the police evidence locker guy who has to count 784 dildos from Diddy's house

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

"I'm slippin', I'm fallin', I can't get up!" - DMX at a Diddy party

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

I love the emails from Credit Karma that are like

DAVID! Taking this one step could significantly improve your credit score. Have you considered doubling your income???

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Probably the most egregious effect of global warming is that pumpkin spice season is coming earlier and earlier each year.

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

Truly, you are not an alpha male until you've been hunted for sport by a Predator

[The Memphis PartySnake @DaveBeTweeting]

I've been visiting my parents and in the 5 days I have been here, 95% of my call history is calling my mom's phone so she can find it in the house.