Abigail Van Snarky

Not your mom's Dear Abby.

If you tweet *Dear Abby -People, etc.-*, you are fair game to my unsolicited snarky advice!

Tweet me your Dear Abby questions!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Due to COVID-19, parenting is cancelled until further notice. Just keep the kids alive until we can reinstate life.

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Today I learned that my right leg is a quarter of an inch longer than my left… so when I get that fixed I should be a quarter of an inch closer to not lying about how tall I am on my drivers license!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

It’s really interesting watching @Jepordy_ when you know someone on it! #gokelly

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Shout out to the parents frantically making their kids’ leprechaun traps that are due tomorrow!

May the Jameson be strong and smooth!!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

If your college educated and don’t know the definition of “inundated” I’m going to question the validity of your degree!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

@shirleyphilbec3 @DangeRussWilson Your white privilege is showing! This might be the most ignorant comment you can make! I highly recommend you never say this again cuz clearly you don’t understand the problem!!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Work gripe of the day… category: worst people:
Those that start off emails “Hi, my name is ___ and Im a <Position> with <Company >…” when all that is in your email signature!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Me to 5 yo: did you brush your teeth?
5: the apple juice did

(He was eating an apple as part of breakfast)

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

@MilhouseNyg @TMZ Hunter Biden’s laptop… Elon’s Twit-leaks… etc… take your pick!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

You might have a cheese problem if you decide on the less expensive main course option (turkey vs ham) so you can have a bigger cheese budget for the charcuterie!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

I am only jealous of the spouses on @MarriedAtFirstS because when their spouse is being annoying they can say “I didn’t pick them” and it’s true!!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Popular or unpopular opinion: bonuses should not be taxed as income!

There is something seriously wrong when I physically receive less than half what my bonus should be!!

My reward for working hard and doing a good job, is not your payday!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

So we’ve spent decades warning kids to not take candy from strangers in cars… but then we make Trunk or Treat events a thing…

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Gearing up for a game of Risk… only it’s braving 2 different school drop offs with the gas tank on E!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

I like a little bagel with my cream cheese cuz apparently it’s socially unacceptable to eat cream cheese with a spoon!!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

@spicydisasterma Same! And we all got it at different times… it was like the smoke dector you can’t get to stop going off til you rip it out of the wall!!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Hey all Californians… turn all your shit off!! It’s already hotter than hell, we don’t need it all to break loose if we loose AC too!!!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

I just saved on CeraVe Skincare -- and you can, too! https://t.co/vdCVMks7Nq

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

My neck, my back, my elbows and knees crack.

A tune for all those who slept on the couch cuz it’s in the only room that has AC when it’s still 95 at midnight!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Me: I’m off to battle the worst humanity has to offer.

Hubs: Aren’t you dropping the kids off at school?

Me: Yea, when’s the last time you fought the drop off line?

Hubs: may the force be with you!

[Abigail Van Snarky @DearRest_Abby]

Somebody put on some Geto Boys, cuz I’m about to go Office Space on my work laptop!!