Denise

Job: cook, nurse, detective, driver, maid, teacher, plus anything else on demand. I can't believe I have followers, this proves that MOMS ARE COOL!

[ᵇ ᵒ ᵒ ᵗ ʰ ʸ @BoothysTweets]

[at the day spa]

Me: [covered in war paint]

THIS IS SPA-RTA...

Technician: Sir, please can I finish your pedicure...

[Eat_my_buttercup @cre8luv_4u]

Regrets are only for those who cannot accept the consequences of their actions.

[Genevieve @Gen22]

I think I’ve learnt my lesson

Lesson: like hell you have

[The Weekday @FraudGodClip]

You know he bad af. Bad kids never get hurt 💀 https://t.co/bJwBwU4PUX

[Chincha @chincha33]

I'm scared I'm going to become a mall-walker.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

[Getaway Girl @The_GetawayGirl]

the problem with people is that they're everywhere.

[Suki @skickwriter]

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

[Zack Fox @zackfox]

Y’all love goofy niggas until we naruto run down the aisle at our wedding then you vanish without saying anything come back Sharon I miss you so much https://t.co/f6IB50MUnp

[Ned @Nrvous1]

Caught some guy making eyes at my wife so I slid him her number.

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my friend Steve. I’d like to take a moment to say fuck you Steve. It’s all your fault.

[Trey @treydayway]

Only good thing about a wedding is the cake.

[Thorne 🌸 @ExistentialEnso]

#IdLikeToBeRichEnoughTo setup a fund to cover the costs of transitioning for every trans person

Society pays and employs us less and charges us more

[IncredibleEdibleBabs @SabrinaMSexton]

People who keep sandwich bread in the fridge... who hurt you?

[Liz 🪬🔮 @ColdhandsLiz]

Sometimes you don't get what you want because you deserve better. Pay attention to the signs.

[Ash @EmberToAsh]

I’m very open-minded. I even have a friend who’s a morning person.