Derek Feeman

Comedian/writer. I should describe more things.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

Deaf people should be allowed to steal and that’s why I only carry headphones and Bluetooth speakers with me.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

Do you assume someone is more racist if they wave the American flag or if they like #Yellowstone the show but not Yellowstone the park?

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

The final step to becoming an adult is realizing Weezer isn’t that good.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

Fam is the worst slang word because it’s not even slang, it’s just half a word.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

My dad is from Detroit and he said the highest paying job there is when someone pays you to help them move out of Detroit.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

To @hulu intern, the

You had one job.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

My girlfriend makes more money than me but I make more negative yelp reviews so it balances out.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

These are the best train movies.

1. Snowpiercer
2. Train to Busan
3. Strangers on a Train
4. Throw Momma From The Train
5. Source Code
6. How To Train Your Dragon
7. Training Day
8. Snowpiercer Rewatch.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

New Years resolution 2022 #1: Set reminder on 12/31/22 to make New Years resolution for 2023.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

I’m a registered voter and a registered organ donor so if the next election doesn’t go my way someone’s getting a new liver.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

Why can people bring their service dog or cat anywhere but I can’t bring my emotional support flask to a Barnes and noble?

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

@paulobercomedy And July 4th.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

I’m the only one of my friends that thinks of fish when someone asks if I like cod.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

@paulobercomedy No but they’re trying to kill everything.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

If MLK grew up a Lions fan, would he still have a dream?

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

I think life should be more like movies in that 2 hours is long enough for most.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

Thanks to pc culture I can’t assume that every guy named Guy is a guy.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

I can’t wait for Tom Brady to sign and win a Super Bowl with every team and then go 7-9 with the @Lions because that’s our Super Bowl.

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

@paulobercomedy We don’t talk about this

[Derek Feeman @DerekFeeman]

I think the only difference between a pond and a lake is that if you drown in a lake it’s a story but if you drown in a pond your family is embarrassed.