Desecrated Jewel

Here for a good laugh. Let's swap jokes and appreciate each other as kickass human beings. 💛

[Desecrated Jewel @DesecratedJewel]

I just thought a joke was really bittersweet; then I realized I was processing with my ovaries.

[Sooz @CruisinSoozan]

I used to be taller.
Now I’m five feet of fuck around and find out.

[Jennifer McAuliffe @JenniferJokes]

So since there’s aliens now the Miss Universe pageant better have some frickin intergalactic Diversity

[Boze Herrington, Library Owl 😴🧙‍♀️ @SketchesbyBoze]

Agatha Christie had a habit of studying things so intensely that she accidentally became an expert. One time she asked an archeologist, “Who is the world’s leading authority on Mesopotamian pottery? I need to ask them a question.”

The archeologist said, “YOU are.”

[Lindsay @Rollinintheseat]

Most people: I paid a lot of money to see this concert.

Me: I stayed up past my bedtime to see this concert.

[inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa]

what's a good wine that pairs well with unhinged madness

[Sooz @CruisinSoozan]

took out a mortgage at the lingerie store but damn I'll look like heaven when I'm living in a cardboard box by the overpass

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

The first RNA strand bumped into the first protein ("How clumsy of me." "No, no, my fault."). Then there were dinosaurs. Then me.

[Dadof2Boys @Dadof2crazyboys]

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

[Nicki💗 @AwkwardAndOdd]

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy with my pockets stuffed full of potatoes and a large slice of cake tucked behind each ear asking him if he thinks I’m weird

[Sooz @CruisinSoozan]

I just… this… pure perfection.

[Satan @s8n]

this is evil💀

[Beccaface 🫶 @beccafacexo]

I don’t have kids because I heard if you do then you have to share your cereal?

[Desecrated Jewel @DesecratedJewel]

@skedaddle74 Fish tacos with pineapple salsa.

[C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau]

So what do we call Twitter now, the X-Files?

[Historic Vids @historyinmemes]

How to Operate the Big Bird Costume

Big Bird is an 8-foot 2-inch (249 cm) anthropomorphic canary that was operated by Carroll Spinney (swipe left) from 1969 to 2018. As Spinney got older, Big Bird appeared less frequently on the show, and when he did, his on-screen time got shorter and shorter because it was difficult for him to hold up his arms for long periods of time.