Scrimpo Shampini

my doctor says I have about 3 months left

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I need a timer

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Every time I go to the grocery store not on my lunch break, I spend too much money

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Just saw two pigeons making out

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Is it this side or the other side?

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

On my way to the pot o' gold

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

On my way to the pot o' gold

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I almost drowned on land

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I don't receive nearly as many death threats via email anymore and that's a shame

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Out of spite, I will be spraining/fracturing an ankle this weekend

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I'm gonna consume a lethal amount of garlic

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I need an alligator for pranking purposes

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

This is badder, not sugar. I've been deceived

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Saw a guy eating an ice cream cone with a spoon and it made me uncomfortable

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Just saw a squirrel escape into the sewer

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I rolled a joint and immediately lost it

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

I'm so moist

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

If I was Thanos, I would have snapped away half of all life in the universe but 100% of the human population

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Me when my useless coworker calls out

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Look at this weird rat

[Scrimpo Shampini @DiddlyMonkey]

Storing water in my hump like a camel