Diego Attanasio

Peruvian comedian, Detroit based. Check my website for dates.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I saw Dune 2 without seeing Dune 1, so ya, you can do anything you set your mind to!

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Wife asked for an air fryer, I thought she said hair dryer, and now it takes 2 hours to blow curly fries straight.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Is anyone else the most confused they've ever been as to what day of the week it is?

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I’ve had countless teachers in my life, but perhaps the most important were the girls when I was in middle school, who taught me if my sweatpants were too long, roll them up at the waist.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Why is the next show/movie I want to watch always on the one service I don't have?

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I don't usually say this but, Facebook Reels is unhinged.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

When you’re irritable and hungry,
that is called “hangry.”
What is “hangry” for being tired?
Is it “hired?”
That’s how I feel I get a new job.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Are there many better things in this godforsaken life than pulling into your parking space just as the song comes to an end?

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Of course house prices have gone up, everyone I know has $1000 phones, $170 headphones, and a $400 computer watch.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Science says, “don’t look at your phone before bed, the artificial light will keep your brain awake.” But also, “don’t stay in bed in the morning looking at your phone, the artificial light is no replacement for daylight.” Which is it, Science? Is my phone the sun or not?

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I wake up early everyday at 5:30 because I have a two-year-old who wakes up around 6 and I have to leave the house before that happens.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

me at a social event

them: what do you do?
me: I watch hours of TikTok and Reels and send the good ones to my friends.
them: wow, you make money doing that?!
me: no. but that’s what I do.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Remember when @elonmusk was talking about going to Mars, but then couldn't manage a website? Maybe we cool it on outer space if HTML is really giving him that much trouble.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I have a two-year-old and I can unequivocally say that no government entity has completely ruined my life more than daylight savings.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

when I forward my friend an ad on ig

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

Some say sitting is the new smoking. Others say sugar is the new smoking. Well, which is it? I just want to look cool on this date.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I had ice cream for breakfast, so yeah, I would say I’ve started prepping for Thanksgiving.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

You know when you pull you pants up over your belly to make yourself feel just a little skinnier? Is there a way to do that to your personality?

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

How does one cherish a moment exactly? I’ve been giving it a go, but it’s hard. It’s like trying to do a sit up with your feelings.

[Diego Attanasio @DiegoComedy]

I’m not middle-aged yet but I am still-doing-the-Wordle age