D.M.

I've been having a rough week for the last couple decades

[Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman]

You should be exempt from targeted ads for stuff you google ironically.

[Samantha Bee @realsambee]

Delaying the health care vote today to try to figure out what a woman is.

[D.M. @DirtyDoombot]

@Wizards_DnD would love to support beyond but Im baffled at having to create a twitch account, please rethink this decision & have own login

[D.M. @DirtyDoombot]

@MyNameIsGaron @brandnewrock 100%

[Eugene Mirman @EugeneMirman]

I really can't believe a cruel, deceitful businessman would betray the very people who gave him a chance to ruin the earth.

[Graham Clark @grahamclark]

I guess if I don't want to hear what video is playing on everyone's phone, I'm shit out of luck.

[Will Hines @willhines]

I got in my Lyft eating a peanut butter sandwich. Driver didn't notice because it's not that interesting.

[D.M. @DirtyDoombot]

@Thesixler this is gonna sound crazy, but it's a life changer, I put a kitty door in the bottom of my bedroom door, it'll solve everything

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Historical fact: When Galileo said the Earth revolves around the Sun, Pope Paul V said, “Fake news. Sad.”

[D.M. @DirtyDoombot]

@CashLevy
BBQ flavored ketchup, just BBQ sauce?

[Mark McConville @markmcconville]

I'd like to go on a reality show and say "I DID come here to make friends" because I think it'd be a refreshing change of pace.

[Will Hines @willhines]

I only trust deeply sad people.

[D.M. @DirtyDoombot]

@Thesixler I started D&D (& DMing) after hearing u guys start on the show, had no idea what it was, its now one of my fav things, so thanks!

[George Takei @GeorgeTakei]

Anyone else hope the red carpet hosts ask the men what they're wearing and the women what projects they're working on? #Oscars

[Pete Holmes @peteholmes]

turn down for whom?

[Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman]

Hold on, ISIS. The U.S government will get to you once they've dealt with the real scourge: School children who want to pee comfortably.

[Mark McConville @markmcconville]

I don't have kids, but if I ever do, the number one rule is going to be STAY OUT OF EVERYONE'S GODDAMNED WAY.

[D.M. @DirtyDoombot]

@eddiepepitone that's brilliant, I can't stop laughing, absolutely perfect joke

[Hampton Yount @Hamptonyount]

JUST WANTED TO SAY I CAME UP WITH YOUNG POPE IN GROUNDLINGS AND I'M SUPER PROUD AND EXCITED FOR HIS SUCCESS!!

[Last Night In Sweden @LastNiteNSweden]

Everyone had healthcare. #LastNightInSweden