Sam Svoboda

live every day like it's the freaking Catalina wine mixer

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

Teacher: Name a nonrenewable resource

Them, always on time to class: Oil

Me, transcending the classroom: Time.

[#1 Bate Believer 🌙 @suttondef]

Jimmy's seafood handing out BIG Ls in the replies lmaooo

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

Crazy how homonym jokes are only funny when red

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

*trying to play violent video games

"What buttons lets me appeal to their sense of reason?"

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

Sex and the City’s sequel, Sex and the Garden State, was a major let down

[Dylan @DylanBaer]

Please help, man needs his boat! 🙏🏻

[1994 Subaru Outback @sadieisonfire__]

Abe LinkedIn

[cool website guy @fartgalleries]

*having sex*

partner: how does that feel?

me [checking my mood ring]: uh… normal/cool

[Single Dad @Lonely_Dad]

thank you @twitter, but i don't need 280 characters. "my wife left me" is only 15

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

If you think I'm going to read an article like this then you are absolutely right

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

Peapod food delivery got me out here thinking my neighbors are dying

[NBC News @NBCNews]

Scientists are trying to prevent the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone from causing a huge eruption https://t.co/hExZ4LOJUF via @NBCNewsMACH

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

We've really lowered the bar when a week with only one hurricane, earthquake, or nuclear test is a pretty good week comparably

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

[parents move trashcan to new location]

"Why are you trying to destroy my childhood"

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

The housing market seemed way more manageable in Animal Crossing

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

president and government officials gather in ominous circled

chanting begins

Donald: send the rains great old ones

*rain begins falling https://t.co/bfAD2Jxj8T

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

Wonderful coordination between Federal, State and Local Governments in the Great State of Texas - TEAMWORK! Record setting rainfall.

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

Looks like Trump was caught stealing candy and the baby https://t.co/bCzpLip48J

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

I want to see the breakdown by age of people who openly describe themselves as CEOs or Co-Founders of companies

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

I wonder if the book prices were so high because Scholastic had a monopoly on the elementary school book fair market

[Sam Svoboda @DisregardHandle]

I wonder if musicians ever get discouraged when they pour their heart into a song only to find it resonates best with middle schoolers