Ben Beutel-Gunn

Dying of old age is the new 40.

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

joe biden on Hot Ones but he’s just eating 10 normal grapes

[helena riley @freshhel]

If i saw a guy cry during the national anthem i would cheat on him

[Ben Beutel-Gunn @Divorce_Cake]

one of the collective names for a group of birds should be “Grand Total”
A grand total of vultures looked on from nearby.
The orchard was picked clean by a grand total of magpies.

[Will Sennett @Senn_Spud]

So funny when athletes sign these long contracts. Oh you’re gonna be playing for the Yankees in 2031? Buddy the fog is gonna consume us in 2027. The fog is coming. The fog is coming. The fog is coming

[Ben Beutel-Gunn @Divorce_Cake]

At the cash register: “Talk about ‘post ironic’ I’m about to use my U.S. debit card to buy a ‘cd’ of CLASSIC ROCK for the purpose of LISTENING TO IT.”
The cashier doesn’t laugh, to my relief. That would have ruined everything.

[Ben Beutel-Gunn @Divorce_Cake]

@hannahdoughman I ordered Dirt. It hasn’t come in the mail yet, but when it does I’ll tweet you

[Richard Karn @TheRichardKarn]

I’ve thought long and hard about NFT’s and I’ve decided it’s not something I need to do🙏💕

[Anya Overmann @AnyaLOvermann]

@elonmusk That's 4.5% of your net worth. You paid 3.27% between 2014 and 2018, & no fed taxes at all in 2018. You made $36 billion in ONE DAY in 2021. Most US ppl pay 10 to 37% in fed taxes & up to 13.3% in state taxes. Stop vying for sympathy from people who pay and pay your fair share.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

Charles Manson, who loved dune buggies and idolized The Beatles, arrived in Los Angeles with dreams of recording success. A thwarted record deal and an address mix-up led to him expressing his grievances in a way that many have issues with.

[Frankie Muniz @frankiemuniz]

Frankie Muniz???

[Ben Beutel-Gunn @Divorce_Cake]

@AspergersAreUs @Michael1979 Whoa!

[Ben Beutel-Gunn @Divorce_Cake]

everything you’re going to do in 2014 you’ve already done

[David Gardner @byDavidGardner]

I was riding high today till I realized I actually invested in GameStop Total Landscaping

[Vermin Supreme (TM) KING of PRESIDENT America USA @VerminSupreme]

Ben Shapiro, I’m not kinkshaming, but please return @AOC’s shoes to the Capitol. You can’t take things without asking

[Elie Mystal @ElieNYC]

Arsonist Warns Fire Department That Hosing Down Building Will Cause Water Damage.

[Max Blumenthal @MaxBlumenthal]

Imagine if a foreign power recognized this guy as president and you’ll know how Venezuelans feel

[Eyal @EyalShachar]

@tedcruz You did this you stupid Fuck.