Joe Phelps

I’m the biggest prick on the cactus.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@EJFTweets @ademillo And it’s OK, not okay. OK?

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@THV11 Absolutely! Junk food leads to obesity, which leads to heart failure, which leads to fewer people who rely on welfare, which leads to fewer taxes unnecessarily taken from my paycheck. Let them eat cake!

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

New hobby: #gnome collecting.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

In King of the Hill, Hank buys a jet ski in one episode. Said personal watercraft is never seen again.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@npfallon An Irishman once slapped me jokingly on the cheek in an elevator in NYC. He was in town for the St. Patty’s Day Parade. I still have yet to forgive the Irish.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

A decade ago I never thought I would be at 33 cleaning a bird feeder in a moment of spontaneity woe is me.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@CrucialVRadio @clutchofficial On bass guitar, presenting, Pisces

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

My Twitter feed sucks and it’s all my fault. Not talking about any old college friends or people I know.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@RealPaigeWWE @peta Your new movie automatically got 5 stars for this tweet.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@arshiak @bonappetit Your photo?

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

Sus scrofa

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

If I had a nickel for every time I hear a redneck say he’d solve immigration by posting up at the border with a deer rifle, I’d have 10 cents. So far.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

My daughter says not to drink milk from the carton because it’s gross. I think it tastes like milk, which is definitely not gross.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@Fritolay I command you to add the Flamin Hot @Doritos to the spicy party mix. Five minutes ago.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

@ArkTimes Keep that kid in school. He needs to learn some basic grammar.

[Joe Phelps @DoubleEJoe]

I wish I were as smart as a teenager. They know EVERYTHING!