dwanye west

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Strike when the iron doesn’t have thoughts about how to pay rent this month.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

I’m in a huge fight. Which key is right side up?

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

I don’t know what this says about me, but I couldn’t fall in love with an AI that is always giving compliments.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

I should have known they were panic attacks and not heart attacks when a beer was curing my heart attacks.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

I never understood why people thought Cho Chang in Harry Potter was a racist name because I used to work at Dairy Queen with a gay Chinese man named Chow Cox.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Nothing is more try-hard than holding in a sneeze

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Working late today. My boss thanked me for my hard work, but I’m only staying late cause there’s a hole in the ass of my pants and I’m waiting for everyone in the office to leave.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Posting this as a guy who rewrites the lyrics to songs about how gay he is (I’m not gay)

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

When I finally get on late nite:

Late nite host: “Sorry man, last week the studio was packed. Don’t know what happened.”

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

This is how my brain works:

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Morning dove: *tries new tune*
Other morning doves: “Bro play the hits”

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

I don’t know if anyone can relate, but if a drummer starts playing on the wingnuts I’m outta there.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Ozempic face :(

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

White Male Privilege

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Why don’t we send Boeing through the TSA?

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Ghosts are just incells whose unfinished business is having sex. They can’t transcend this mortal world because god doesn’t want nerds in heaven.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

What’s that autistic dating show called again? ‘Love Beyond Train Schedules’?

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Bookers will be in a room with 80 people, see all of them laugh at one comedian, and be like “i should book this guy. I have a special talent for finding who’s funny”.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

During the show, the improv troupe reveled in the large audience that began to fill the room, but little did they know everyone was waiting for the open mic.

[dwanye west @DwayneCullen]

Non comedian to a comedian: “me and a bunch of friends are grabbing a drink and shooting the shit, want to join?”

Comedian: “ I can’t man, Im too busy. I have to do a podcast with 4 men where we drink beers and complain about our day.”