Richard Colgan

[Eliza Bayne @ElizaBayne]

I wanna dance with some zombies/I wanna feel the heat with some zombies/YEAH I wanna dance with some zombies/with some zombies who love me

[Evan J'daté Kessler @EvanJKessler]

If someone ever tells you to “S my D,” take a moment to consider that maybe their dad needs saving.

[Liana Maeby @lianamaeby]

It's kind of overwhelming to look at Bill Clinton and realize he's one of the only people in the world who knows whether aliens are real.

[Richard Colgan @Dycon]

@MadMoonie Whiskey is sunlight held together by water.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Take your time! RT @KimKardashian: Shooting a commercial under water today! Its a lot harder than it looks!

[Bridger Winegar @bridger_w]

"I'm ready to throw in the towel." -Inner monologue of a salesperson who seals the deal with a free towel

[Bridger Winegar @bridger_w]

If you're a waterfall without a secret cavern behind you, MAYBE DON'T WASTE MY TIME

[Robyn Vo @robyn_vo]

Went to a baby shower today, kinda relieved and disappointed that it didn't involve throwing babies in the air and making it rain babies.

[Emily Saysthings @WenisSmeller]

People who write "Kewl" instead of "Cool" obviously never went to skewl.

[Emily Saysthings @WenisSmeller]

Using big words is sexy.. Making up big words is sexier if you know how to properly coextangulate your nebudandorbator.

[noog @noog]

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

[Cruz! @nPhelendriqal]

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

[Bill Mc7 @BillMc7]

Culinary Fun Fact: A guy who is a cheese expert is called a homosexual.

[Bridger Winegar @bridger_w]

If a waiter is getting too "fun," wait until they ask if they can "get you started with any apps," then tell them your dad just died.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Gazebos are just gay sheds.

[Richard Colgan @Dycon]

@pauldanke yes they do!

[Danny Zuker @DannyZuker]

It's fun to discover new things about yourself. Like just now watching the Olympics I learned I'm aroused by Asian women w/ bows & arrows.

[Richard Colgan @Dycon]

Music of the month: The Lumineers // #checkoutthelumineers

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

If I was a competitive swimmer I would carry a tambourine everywhere, and swim with a lollipop in my mouth. People would go bananas.

[Richard Colgan @Dycon]

A gold medal in discus is the ultimate reward for completely wasting your life.