ES

[ES @ESXIII]

OK people who design machines to put the twist ties on bread and tortilla packages, I have 4 words for you, and these are fundamental to a well-functioning society: RIGHTY TIGHTY, LEFT LOOSEY.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Venerable old museums weren't designed with modern traffic flow. But no worries, they can put up some signs. “Turn right” is just one example.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

My birth trauma? More of a mild surprise. An annoyance, tbh.

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

Explaining to aliens how a pizza cooked at home isn’t as good as delivery but that it’s the exact opposite for toast.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

You saw one movie and you think that’s how all of us pet detectives act?! Do better.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

I’d like to speak to you in the hallway.

[Robert Bonnett @RoBonnett79]

Twitter is the servant of a wise user, the master of a fool. 

~ The Tao te Tweet

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

me, driving while on the phone with my wife: yes, i have the car. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons, that’s who. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king, what’s your point? where are we going? {i look at the raccoon in the passenger seat} we don’t know.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Glass is a poor choice for slippers. Doesn’t breathe. Terrible traction when dancing with princes.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

This isn't my first sonic boom.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Inevitably, we discuss melon wrapped in prosciutto. I raise my hand. “Couldn’t we just throw the melon on the ground for ants to drag away?”

[YONEWT 🆒 @yonewt]

I just want to walk into one more sliding glass door before i die

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

No, you may not get a what-what. You can have this pen from a bank, but that is all.

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Stop saying “touch grass.”

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

His scarf matched his shirt matched his pants. He was like a drapery, but far less useful.

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

Unless a chicken cooked it, it should just be called “fried steak.”

[Robert Bonnett @RoBonnett79]

I don’t write much anymore but I did write five new tweets recently. This is one of them.

[Scott with a Silent T @SilenttScott]

Does anyone want to join me in an Ask Jeeves chat room on belt-sander maintenance? The discussions can get sensual at times.

[ES @ESXIII]

I used to work for a guy who said “the perfect is the enemy of the good” a lot. One day I asked him what percentage of assed he’d consider satisfactory. He switched sayings to “do or do not…there is no try.”

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

*1st date*
do you pronounce your name bee-ah-zull-bub?