Earnest_Ass_Prof

New-ish faculty at a university near you. Tenure is my dream. Administrators are my favorite people. In the basement since 2019.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

@ass_deans, how do you sleep at night knowing “budget constraints” and firing staff is just a cover for raising admin salaries the exact percentage of the costs saved by firings? On high thread-count sheets and a posturepedic mattress?

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

Far be it from me to contradict you, but if you deny me the benefit of your censorship how will I ever learn how to self-censor? Asking for me.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

We don’t want to censor you. We want you to self-censor so we don’t have to censor you.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

Query, @ass_deans. If a department’s search for a new Chair only has one self-nominated candidate, is that person a.) uniquely qualified, b.) the best choice, or c.) a sociopath? Asking for an (indentured…I mean untenured) friend.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

2/2…I’ll get right on that!

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

1/2…My apologies. My four new preps have taken an inordinate amount of time away from the reports you tasked me with creating during my unpaid summer break.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

1/2…My apologies. My four new preps have taken an inordinate amount of time away from the reports you tasked me with creating during my unpaid summer break.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Just checking in to see if the report that is due next week is done yet. We need it today.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

The-university-deserves-a-lake-house-whilst-I-labor-in-a-windowless-basement-office-for-a-pittance. The-university-deserves-a-lake-house-whilst-I-labor-in-a-windowless-basement-office-for-a-pittance. The-university-deserves-a-lake-house-whilst-I-labor-in-a-windowless-basement..,

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

There are two ways to get a strategic plan. One is to use 28 months of meetings, working groups and several outside consultants. The other is to lock five people up at the university lake house for three days with just enough whiskey. Guess which one we used!

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

And honestly, I hope you don’t change the current, outdated reimbursement model. I’d miss the thrill of seeing you deny me 5% tax because I tipped 15% at a conference meal rather than 10%.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

No we don’t think you’re a crook. We just assume you’re a crook in the reimbursement, development, and purchasing process.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

Then it’s a good thing you never let faculty have P-cards, or we’d swipe every time we conducted university business instead of using our own meager pay to do work for an institution with a multi-million dollar endowment.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

No we don’t think you’re a crook. We just assume you’re a crook in the reimbursement, development, and purchasing process.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

This makes perfect sense. Enriching YOUR life (literally/financially) enriches the lives of your faculty (rhetorically).

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Please see the list of approved vendors owned or operated by a spouse of the college’s senior leadership.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

@jvitak I’d say, “A window in my office,” or even “more money,” but that would be disrespectful to @ass_deans giving me this opportunity to work in the basement for pennies.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

I’ve just been so busy prepping my four (4) new courses for the Fall 2024 semester, but thank goodness your foresight exists to correct my laziness.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Why haven’t you posted your spring 2025 syllabus yet?

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

An obligation to post religious fallacies AND the ability to conceal a weapon in my classroom? Ahhhhh, the Colonies!

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

On second thought, @ass_deans, you were correct to suspend the selection process for a lucrative on-campus fellowship for an entire year until you yourself would be eligible to apply. And your reasoning that the pool “wasn’t competitive enough” (without you) is too true.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

I am truly impressed with your administrative ability to say 🍆 without actually saying 🍆. “Intangible” indeed.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Just because you taught more students and published more in better journals doesn’t mean you are at the top of the merit pool. Intangibles matter too!

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

@DrDavidCuff A free meal is a free meal, friend.

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

My wages aren’t enough to cover the basics, so I truly appreciate you providing lunch (let me guess, pizza?!) for the unpaid labor in which you demand I engage.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

We don’t pay you enough to vacation and your teaching load is too heavy to get much research done, so yes I do believe you are available for service work in the summer. We are providing lunch! You’ll be there!

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

@ReadTheSyllabus Solution #1: put on rose-colored lenses crafted by @ass_deans
Solution #2: don’t look

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

I honestly only write grants so that I can see the photos you upload from your summer travels that are funded by the university graft from my grant.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

@PeterDombrowsk6 Not just yours! A lot of grants contributed to this trip!

[Earnest_Ass_Prof @EarnestAssProf]

My favorite part about you being in Europe? I have the opportunity to prove my worth by tackling the leg-work of various projects you left behind/delegated to me(!) that will gain the university (and YOU) the regional and national notoriety that is so richly deserved.

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Just because I am paid over 12 months doesn’t mean I need to be on campus over the summer! Europe is fabulous during June!

[Associate Deans @ass_deans]

Just because I am paid over 12 months doesn’t mean I need to be on campus over the summer! Europe is fabulous during June!