Elyse Mallinger

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

*literally anything happens*

Everyone in 2020: Well this is unprecedented!

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

Gnats are the worst. You can’t see those little fuckers until it’s too late, there’s a swarm of them in your eyes, ears, nose, and mouth

[Ja Rule @jarule]

I too was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hood winked, lead astray!!!

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

I wanna shoop baby shoop baby!

[Jimmy Tatro @JimmyTatro]

If you’ve ever included the sentence “tag someone who loves pizza” in your Instagram caption, you’re the worst and I stand by that.

[Seth Rogen @Sethrogen]

It takes me approximately 9 hours to not feel like shit after sleeping in a room that has the heat on.

[sam i am @slamdunksford]

Dog: Is the homework fresh?
Waitress: It’s fresh daily!
D: Great, and how’s today’s assignment?
W: Fantastic, it’s Social Studies and it was as time consuming as it was difficult
D: Sounds good I’ll have that
Lady Dog: I’ll just have the math please

[sam i am @slamdunksford]

White people LOVE talking about humidity.. they love it

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

@KIDSDlRTYJOKES Hahahaha 10/10 would use an ultra ball on that guy

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

I feel like people with Apple Music are the equivalent of people whose texts show up green #spotifyftw @Spotify

[sam i am @slamdunksford]

Trouble getting to sleep? Can’t sleep through the night? Ask your doctor if Ambien is right for you! Side effects may include:

-Nausea
-Fear of brown people
-Religious intolerance
-Spontaneous desire to construct walls
-Near constant hate mail from strangers
-Indigestion
#Ambien

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

“Remember when you tried to convince me I was adopted from China?” -@KarlMallinger

....nope 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

What is @iamcardib’s favorite breakfast food?

Yoguuuuurt!
#okuuuuurt

[Michelle Vasquez @Meesh019]

@ElyseMallinger and I at R Kelly last night https://t.co/8eSGp6JvPF

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

@Meesh019 @WhatTheFFacts hahahahaha 🙈🙈🙈

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

I actually just choked on an ice cube. This is where my life is at.

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

Coffee, you the real MVP

[Chicks With Class @ChickswithClass]

You just have to trust your own madness. -Clive Barker

[Elyse Mallinger @ElyseMallinger]

I SEE DUMB PEOPLE